Shame - Boat Loads of Shame...

Here is my latest sermon - the topic...you guessed it - shame.

First things First

I am trying to put first things first - meaning that I have realized that how I order my life is significant.  I often fall into the trap of victim mentality when it comes to important things - I don't have enough time/energy/money etc. So, I don't do the things that I say are most important, which leaves me wondering how truly important they are to me.

So, I am in the process of trying to be intentional about the order in which I do things.  It is so easy for my time to be eaten up that I don't have to think about the decisions I make - but they are decisions whether I am conscious of them or not.

One example is reading my Bible.  I can let my day get so hectic that I don't make time to read Scripture - yet I believe that Scripture is essential to how I live my life.  I have realized that what I open first in my day says something about my priorities.  Do I open my computer before I open my Bible?  I seem to always have time to respond to email, facebook, instant message etc - but no time for the Bible, prayer, journaling...seems like I might have my priorities a little mixed up.

I want my life to reflect my values.  I value my health - which is why I get up and work out at 6:00 a.m. most days - because I know if I don't do it first thing, I won't do it.  I value what I eat - so I choose to spend money on fresh fruits and vegetables, to bring my lunch with me, to make breakfast and dinner.  I value living debt-free, so we make sure to put as much towards our loans as possible, so that we can be free from debt as soon as possible.  I value my marriage, so I make sure that I do not overload our limited free-time with chores, errands, or too many social events.

In some areas of my life I know my priorities, and my choices reflect them.  But it is amazing that when it comes to what should be the most important thing in my life - God -  I seem devote more of my time and energy to things that matter very little.  Yet I know that the times in my life where I feel most connected to God and passionate about my relationship with God are the times when I have made time to spend with God.  Cliche, I know - but this is the truth of the matter.

So, in my quest to put first things first, I am taking inventory of my life.  Much like I try to make healthy food decisions, so I am trying to make healthy time decisions.  Who and what I put first matters - and it will dictate how I live my life.  So, for now I am trying to open the Bible before I open the computer - I am trying to respond to God before I reply yo email - I am trying to reflect in private before I ponder in public...the order I do these things in matters.

Embracing Tears

Over the last few years I have learned that I am a crier.  I am a deep feeler, so my emotions are often strong - and with them almost always comes tears.  Anger, sorrow, joy, despair, confusion...tears are always there.

I have had a hard time accepting the reality that I am a crier.  As a female, I have negative associations that come along with crying women.  They are too emotional, can't handle the heat, can't pull it together, are not professional...the list goes on and on.  And we all know someone who can't ever seem to control themselves - they cry at everything, constantly have their feelings hurt, are more often than not bent out of shape about something, and you feel the need to walk on eggshells around them.  I fear that I am this.

Yet I am learning that I am a crier - and there is not much I can do about it.  I am also learning that rather than seeing my tears as a curse, they might be a gift.  In fact, I find my tears come most often when everyone else in the room is disconnected from the emotion that is filling the space.  It is in these times that to even speak a single word, I will break down in tears.  I feel embarrassed when this happens - exposed even.  My tears feel out of place and inappropriate.

But I have seen more often than not, in those moments where my tears feel most out of place, that is when they bring about the most honesty.  That is the difficulty of being a deep feeler - I can rarely hide what I am feeling.  And so these tears make me be honest about what I am experiencing.  So the real problem is, I actually want to hide.  I don't always have the courage to say I feel run-over, or I am angry, or I am disappointed.  But my tears expose me - they get the best of me every time.  They make me come out of hiding and share how I really feel.

Someone yesterday told me my tears were a gift to them - because until they knew what I was feeling they did not really have access to what they were feeling.  And they told me the strength that I carry makes my tears even more powerful - because I am not that frail person who cannot seem to get a grip on my emotions.  I am trying to live my life as an honest person - one who speaks with integrity, one who shares what is true - even when it is scary.  My tears keep me honest...I am trying to embrace them.

The Problem with Anger

Every leadership course or training I have ever done brings up the same leadership weakness over and over again - I am conflict-avoidant to my core.  I have a hard time with anger - others directed at me - but even more my own.  I have a hard time owning my anger - I don't want to be angry at another person - it feels uncomfortable.  So I shove it down.

I have shoved down a lot of anger in my 29 years of life.  In fact, I could probably be an Olympic champion at avoiding anger.  If you do not let it be a possibility, then you don't have to worry about it, right?

But as you know - you cannot truly avoid anger.  It manifests itself somewhere eventually.  It might pop up in an eating disorder, or compulsive shopping, or being a workaholic, or an alcoholic, or any other type of 'holic out there.  We work our anger out somewhere - and the more we avoid it the more it eats away at us.  I know this to be true, and yet facing my anger scares the hell out of me.

But recently I have begin to pull back the huge metal door behind which I stuff all anger, disappointment, rage - and it's kind of like storing water in an airtight chamber - it stays there as long as you don't break the seal - but once the seal is loosened even a bit you cannot possibly keep it from leaking out.

That's the problem with anger - it begins to leak out - all over the place.  At your spouse for not putting their dish away, at the distracted driver who accidentally cut you off, at the grocery clerk who doesn't move fast enough, at your co-worker who leaves their paper on the copier, at your child who missed their nap time...anyone can fall victim to leaky anger.

And perhaps this is part of the process of healing - you get really messy - and you have to apologize a lot - and you have to get over things - and you have to face the ways your anger leaks out at those who do not deserve it - so you can begin to face what you are really angry at but to afraid to admit it.

I don't know about you, but I am terrified that anger will take over my life.  I have been so hurt by angry, selfish people that I don't know how to be angry without lashing out at anything that happens to cross my path.  I confuse myself with those who hurt me - and if I am not careful I begin to act like they did in my anger.  Anger is a messy emotion - it leaves you raw.  To truly be angry means you lose control of yourself in some part - you have to let go.  It is like being truly joyful - you might laugh so hard you cannot breath.  So with anger you might actually see red - it is a consuming emotion.

But we do not need to hurt each other with it - that's the tricky work we must do.  To feel what we feel - to face our anger head on, without using it as a weapon or an excuse.  Perhaps learning to be angry is part of learning to be happy.  You have to go to one extreme to get to the other.  I have lived a lot of my life trying to stay in the middle spectrum of emotions - the less volatile ones - the more controlled ones.  

But the problem is I broke the seal - and the floodgates can't hold it back any longer - so I have to start the work of sorting through the flotsam and jetsam that come with the flood.  I believe this is a holy work being done in my soul - but why must these things be so agonizing?  I guess that is the problem with anger...

Why the Gospel Actually Matters

A recent situation with a good friend has left me remembering why the Gospel actually matters.  While going into details here would be completely inappropriate, it is enough to say that this friend is in a bad situation.  The circumstances have left me reeling - oscillating between despair, anger, and disillusion.

Yet what I cannot shake is that the wound which compels this person's decisions are so similar to mine - the need to be seen, to be loved, to be adored.  The desire that one would look at me, and I would feel found.  The hunger for this scares me at times - the need to be known.  And one can chase situation after situation - person after person - looking for the chance that this need could possibly be fulfilled.  As I look at my friend, I say with all honesty, "This is me - but for Jesus."

This is not an arrogant statement - it is a factual statement.  This is not self-righteousness disguised in false humility.  It is the realization that apart from Jesus my life would be headed down the path of self-destruction.  I know because I have walked that path before - I am well familiar with its well-worn ways.  I realized that I had forgotten that I have truly been saved by Jesus - not just in a theoretical, pontificating kind of way - but truly snatched from a way of life that leads me no where good.

You see, I graduated from a school that teaches many people the art of self-awareness.  I am well-versed in the values of the therapeutic, and have benefited from these values.  I know what it means to be differentiated, enmeshed, split-off, integrated, illuminated etc etc etc.  And do not hear me wrong, the therapeutic is important.  But it does not replace to gospel.  In fact, it doesn't come anywhere close.  And frankly, too many of us have forgotten this.

We have replaced the need for salvation with our own ability to come to grips with our past.  We seek after self-awareness - rather than surrender.  We think that if we learn the right ways to integrate our story we no longer have to rely on the greater Story - of which we are mere participants.  But the reality is, the quest for self-awareness cannot save us.  But it can distract us.

I value the therapeutic work I have done in my life.  I have experienced great healing through it.  But today I come before the Healer - broken, confused, scared - and I remember that no matter how much I work to integrate my story - I am in desperate need for something that I cannot give myself.  I need the one who was broken and poured out so that I might be whole.  

travel and journaling and a sermon

I am headed to Pittsburgh for a conference today...and while I am excited for the event, I am not so thrilled about the travel.  I just got back from seeing friends in Asheville last week - which was a blast - and have not really had time to settle back in before headed back out.  So, I am feeling a little out of sorts at the moment.

On another note - I realize that I have done a poor job of keeping up with this blog lately.  Part of that is the craziness which has been my schedule as of late (and does not seem to be settling down anytime soon) - and part of it is because I have stared journaling again.  I actually stopped journaling consistently shortly before I headed to seminary.  I have been in a five year hiatus when it comes to keeping journals.  It has also been about a five year hiatus since I read the Bible devotionally on a regular basis.  Both have become normal rhythms in my life again - and I am glad to have them back.

This post really doesn't have much of a point at the moment...just some small ramblings about travel and journaling.  I hope once I land back in CT I will be able to get back into the swing of things - which will mean sharing thoughts here on a more regular basis.

In the meantime, if you want to hear more I preached a couple of weeks ago - you can hear the sermon here...

A Pain in the Knee...

This past March I turned 29.  While I was celebrated well, it was a rather uneventful birthday in terms of birthday angst.  Some people say that 29 is harder than 30...simply because you know that 30 is only one year away.  Maybe this is true for some - but since Steve is one year older than me he turned 30 at the end of March...which made my 29 seem like no big deal.

But today when I was working out I felt a familiar pain - a literal, actual, physical pain...in my knee.  I injured my knee in a skiing accident in middle school - and since then it has occasionally flared up.  But in the last few years the pain has been more consistent.  I do special stretches for it, try to rest it when it starts to hurt, and mix up my routine so that it doesn't hurt as much.

And then add to that the pain in my wrist.  I am sure this has to do with my constant computer use between Grad School and my former career in marketing.  But again, while the pain used to come and go...I find it comes more often and goes much slower.

This all has me thinking about 29.  Not a huge deal - but it begins to dawn on you that you aren't getting any younger...and in fact while you weren't looking you all of the sudden got older.  Injuries don't heal as fast - and some of them will never fully heal.  All of the sudden you can't eat ice cream for breakfast and pizza three times a week.  You start to see little wrinkles forming in the corner of your eyes, or maybe grey hairs start to show up, or perhaps you notice various areas beginning to sag a little.  Not huge changes - not middle-age changes - but changes none the less.

I do not long for the days of my youth.  While I enjoyed them, I really like being an adult.  But small injuries - like the pain in my knee - remind me that being an adult is a different venture.  It requires different skills, different commitments, and different expectations.  You realize that time is not on your side...and that one day time will run out.  You see that relationships may not be restored, dreams may not come to fruition, and choices you made along the way begin to add up.

While there is so much life left to be lived - 29 is not THAT old - I see that I am at an age where I actually have to make choices about life.  While there are many paths still open to me - some have closed, and probably will not be made available again.  Some things have grown better with age, and other things have just become more stark in the light of the years lived.

Perhaps I am having a pre-thirties crisis...but I don't feel like I am in crisis...I think I am just having a sober moment about what it means to live this life to its fullest.  I think a lot of use waste time pining over things lost - opportunities missed - people who left, or who we left...we get stuck.  As you look back at the roads you chose not to take (whether out of courage or fear) it becomes easier to look behind than look ahead.  Hoping for the future as an adult is different.  If this is the only life you get to live then you have to make peace with what was lost in order to go forward.

Maybe I am in the process of making peace.  I certainly have to make peace with a knee injury that will flare up from time to time.  I have to make peace with the loss of youth and the oncoming reality of age.  I have to make peace with the choices I have made - and some I need to settle into, and others I may need to mourn.

Perhaps this is the gift of 29 - of all transition years - a period of time to make your peace before you step into the next phase of life...