Soaking

I am a doer.

In every personality profile I have ever taken this is a constant theme.  Achievement, success, goal-oriented, focused, capable, high capacity...whatever you call it, I do.  In all of this I very easily slip into human-doing mode rather than human-being.

Well, let me be the first to admit...having a child throws this whole, 'getting-things-done' stuff out the window.  Sure, I still do...a lot.  I work full-time, cook almost everything from scratch, workout, clean the house, have a social life...I get plenty done.  But I am not nearly as efficient as I used to be...and I have far less time on my hands now that I have a tiny person who has their own needs and agenda.

So, because I am a doer I have started getting up early...and I mean early.  4am early.  Yup, 4...in the morning...everyday.  I get up, work out, shower, get ready, make lunch, make breakfast, get Immy ready, try to drink a cup of coffee without having to microwave it three of four times [that, my friends, is a rare day], and then get out the door to get to work on time.  And even while I get up at an unholy hour every morning...time flies.  It gets filled with all the things I need to DO in order to start my day!

Now, the reason I can get up so early is because I am a morning person - by 9pm I'm making my way into bed with my book...and by 9:15pm I am usually drooling on my pillow with said book draped over me.  As a pastor I always tell people to give God your best time.  If you're best in the morning, spend time with God then.  If you're a night owl hang out with God in the evening.  This used to work great for me...until I had a child - who takes up a considerable amount of my morning.

So, in the midst of getting ready I tried to squeeze in my devotional time.  I value this time and I love to read God's word.  Except lately I had found myself putting it off, or rushing through it, or settling down to start right as Immy starts to cry.  It became another thing to DO.  And truth be told, because I actually wanted it to feed my soul rather than be something I do for God, I just didn't do it.

However, recently I purchased a lullaby album that sings through Scripture so I could listen to it with Imogen.  Turns out I liked it so much I started putting it on in the morning while I was getting ready.  And my soul came alive.  These sung words felt like water to my parched soul.  They stuck in my head, sunk into my heart, and soon I found myself hearing them in my dreams and waking up to them in my head.  They rang over my work and stayed with me during my commute.

I had felt so guilty that I had not been DOING my devotionals that I didn't realize that God was graciously GIVING me what I needed.  Instead of reading God's word so I could learn it or know it or study it, I received God's word so it could encourage me, sustain me, renew me, remind me, guide me.

I teach a lot about seasons - especially seasons of life.  And I see parents with young children struggling around issues of faith.  They just don't have time to DO one more thing...sometimes parenting requires being a human-doing than a human-being...or at least there are a lot of doing moments and fewer being moments.  Yet, to be with God, to let God give to me, to receive and be blessed...this has filled me up in ways that I could not have done for myself.  I am soaking in God's word - I am finding being in the midst of doing...and the being is becoming louder and louder.

In this season of life I need to find new ways to be with God, to be in God's presence.  I highly value reading scripture, but the truth is in this season my brain is tired, my body is tired, and my soul is tired.  To get through my day requires enormous discipline on every level.  And when it comes to spending time with God...well discipline just feels like a soul-draining word if it means doing more.  As I let God's word be sung over me I realize that just being there - frazzled and frantic as I may be - is enough for God.  He can take care of the rest.  I am finding in this season His yoke is easy and His burden light...if only I would stop trying to do for God, and instead be with God.

For my other weary travelers out there...my doers...I invite you to look around and see where God is giving you the gift of His presence...and all you have to do is receive it.  Soak it up, and let it refresh your tired soul.  Be a human-being for a moment...you can always get back to human-doing eventually.


PS - For those who would like to check out the lullaby album you can find it here.

Wearing Skin

I recently turned 33.  While not a huge milestone in anyway, it has brought a shift in me.  For most of my 33 years I have battled my body.  I have struggled with my weight.  I have struggled with my expectations around my weight.  I carry scars from cruel words spoken by loved ones and ones who did not love me.  I carry scars and marks from giving birth.  I carry the reality of the effects of time on my body.

The truth is, when it comes down to it, I have not been terribly kind to my body.  I have poked and prodded, examined, scrutinized, criticized, judged, and picked apart.  I have stared with loathing and frustration.  I have worked to form it into my own will through harsh discipline, self-denial, and pure determination.

I must confess, I have not loved myself well in this regard.  In fact, I have not loved myself at all.

And then when I reflect on Jesus' words to love others as I have loved myself...well, the picture is not so pretty.  I would like to think that I have loved others better than myself.  I have certainly treated others better than myself.  But love...probably not.

If I pick myself apart what makes me think this same spirit is not leaking over in my attempts to love another?  Sure, I don't often stare in outright loathing nor verbalize criticisms on a regular basis.  I don't pinch and poke and pull at others...at least not where they can see me.  But I carry a critical spirit about me.  I try to see what is positive and good and affirming...but the judgmental, critical, and negative always seem grab my attention.  It normally comes out like this:

"Oh, I loved what they said - it was great.  However, I wish they had... And I am not sure why they said... And I never would have..."

And there it is.  My lack of love - packaged as common sense, constructive criticism, general observation.  But don't be fooled...it is not offered in love...and it is not all that constructive.  It is the same spirit that takes hold of me as I stand before the mirror picking apart each small [or large] flaw.  As I berate myself for not trying hard enough, working hard enough, being disciplined enough...

Never enough.

But at 33 I have to ask, when do I get to be enough?  When do I give myself a huge break and start loving the skin I wear?  When do I start becoming grateful for having a body in the first place?  When is enough finally enough?

I read these words about loathing our bodies today in An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor:

This can only go on for so long (loathing our bodies), especially for someone who officially believes that God loves flesh and blood, no matter what kind of shape it is in.  Whether you are sick or well, lovely or irregular, there comes a time when it is vitally important for your spiritual health to drop your clothes, look in the mirror, and say, 'Here I am.  This is the body-like-no-other that my life has shaped.  I live here.  This is my soul's address.'...When I do this, generally I decide that it is time to do a better job of wearing my skin with gratitude instead of loathing."

I keep getting the image of waving the white flag when it comes to this battle with my body.  To finally put down my weapons of criticism, scrutiny  and loathing.  To make peace with this body...the one that my life has shaped.  The body that carries my story - not anyone else's story - mine alone.  To start wearing this skin that God crafted with gratitude instead of loathing.

See, I actually take Jesus' words seriously.  I can be nice to my neighbor, I can be polite to my neighbor, I can even be considerate to my neighbor...but I can't love my neighbor if I do not love myself.  Loathing will seep in...no matter how hard I try to keep it at bay.

To love my neighbor means I have to love my skin...and wear it with joy, gratitude, and above all love.

 

Gluttony: You Are How You Eat

So, radio silence...I know.  Hopefully this will make up for it a bit.  I have been teaching in a variety of contexts here at Mars, which has left little room for written reflection.  This is starting to slow down a bit - so hopefully my musings will kick back up.

But for now, I had the privilege of teaching at Mars this past Sunday on the topic of Gluttony [we're doing a series on the Seven Deadly Sins].  If you'd like to give a listen you can find it here.

More to come...

2012: A Year of Settling

As 2012 comes to a close I have been thinking about what this past year has held for me.  2011 was a year of transition - having a baby, leaving my job, moving to a new state, starting a new job, meeting new friends...lots and lots of change.  It was a whirlwind of a year for sure.

If 2011 was the year of change, well, 2012 has been the year of settling...in a good way.  Settling into a new home, settling into a new job, settling into new relationships, settling into new rhythms.  It has been a year of planting roots...something I am not so good at.

Truth is I thrive on change.  As I have written many times, I have wanderlust...some might even say I 'suffer' from it.  I like to think about what is on the horizon, what might be in-store, where we might move to, what else I might do...I like to dream.  Staying put is not a strength of mine.  Yet as I get older I am beginning to see the wear that pulling up roots takes on a soul.  It is hard to keep starting over.  It is hard to always be new, always learning where to go, always trying to find your place.

2012 has been a year where I have heard the call of stability more than ever before.  Stability is a monastic value - staying in one place until God and the people around you release you.  Steve and I have put this into practice every place we have lived...vowing to stay until God says go.  But each place we have landed prior to here has been intrinsically transient.  This move has felt very different.  This has been a move where God has told me to get comfortable...we're going to be here a good long while.

And while I squirm at that prospect, I am also relieved by it.  It has been a beautiful thing to know that the investments we make in this place will last us a long while.  We actually recycled our moving boxes rather than keeping them all like we usually do.  We're prepared to stay.

It took most of this past year for me to settle into this call of stability...the wanderlust is strong my friends.  And I still look ahead and wonder what might be next...I just don't expect it to be right around the corner.  Instead I am trying to live in this place, with these people, enjoying what is here in the present.  My soul has settled down...I am finding rest and vitality...I am doing to hard work of letting down my guards and inviting people to know me...after all I'm going to be here for a while.

So, while I am not one for resolutions, I can say that if 2012 was a year of settling then I suspect that as I continue to let these roots dig down deep that 2013 will bring a new nourishment that comes only when one lives into the call of stability.  So, here's to settling and the growth that comes with it.

Happy New Year - may 2013 hold unimaginable blessing for you and yours.

What I'm Eating: Paleo Apple Pie

So a few months ago I switched over to the Paleo diet.  Four years ago I found out I am gluten intolerant, which made a huge difference in my overall health.  Since then I have learned that I have gut dysbiosis - also known as "leaky gut."  Eliminating foods such as dairy, legumes, grains, and sugar has helped me to feel much better - it also meant adding meat back into my diet, which was hard at first and my body is still getting up to speed so I can digest it (I was a vegetarian for almost five years).

Anyways, I give this preamble to you because eating paleo has not only increased my health, but it has also sparked my creativity.  I love to cook, but my passion for it has fallen by the wayside between balancing work and home.  But the new challenge of finding ways to prepare food has been really life giving.  With that, I was inspired to share with you some of the things I've been cooking up [quite literally!]

So, for my first installation of "What I'm Eating" I present my first grain-free, dairy-free, egg-free apple pie.  Well, actually apple pies...I wanted to try two different crusts to see which one I liked better.

Crust #1 - Pecan
1 1/2 cups pecans
1/4 cup pureed pumpkin
1 Tbsp Coconut flour
1/8 tsp salt

Crust #2 - Nut + Date
2 1/2 cups mixed nuts
1/2 cup pitted dates
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
2 tbsp coconut oil

For both crusts grind nuts in a food processor until pretty fine (but not nut butter!)  For Nut + Date crust also blend the dates after the nuts until they become a large ball.  Mix together with other ingredients in a separate bowl, and then press into greased pie pan.

Bake both crusts at 375 for 15-20 minutes before adding filling.

Then came the filling - both have apple, but I decided to throw some cranberries into one of them to keep it interesting.  The apples are tossed with cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, ginger and 1/2 tsp maple syrup.

 

Both pies were topped off with honeyed walnuts (walnuts, 1 tsp coconut oil, 1 Tbsp honey).

  

Bake at 350 for 35-45 minutes or until apples are to your liking.

The conclusion - the apple cranberry combo was a hit!  But the Nut + Date crust was the favorite of the two.  Both were great, but the pecan crust would do better with a sweeter combo, as it was not sweet at all - it would be a great tart base!

I am loving experimenting with grain-free, dairy-free, egg-free baking.  I'll have more posts soon ("sugar" cookies, pizza dough, pumpkin macaroons...is your mouth watering yet???)

Give these pies a try - they are easier than you might expect!


NOTE: I tried the Nut + Date crust with a pumpkin pie filling.  I reduced the coconut oil to 1 tbsp and used canned pumpkin for the other Tbsp - it held together just fine (for those who don't want quite as many calories in the crust!)

What I'm Thinking: Good Enough is Good Enough

Yesterday I crossed a major threshold with work deadlines.  This fall brought a lot of development of new classes and curriculum...I knew it would be a full season.  It felt really good to put the finishing touches on major projects - and begin to unwind for staycation.

Yet this full season also brought a lesson to me...one that I have still not quite fully grasped - the lesson of Good Enough.

See, good enough never feels good enough.  I have a compulsion to be perfect - to do everything perfectly - to give every last bit that I can until it feels perfect.  There is no margin for error - perfect is the standard.

(Confession: I cried when I got an A- in my philosophy class in seminary...because it wasn't an A...this is when I knew I had a problem...I don't even LIKE philosophy!)

This compulsion towards perfection is a mask that I have come to see over the years.  It is a mask that helps me feel acceptable and lovable and worthy.  If I get it perfect, you will like me.  If I don't get it perfect then you will reject me.  So perfection is the only option.

So, this past week I had many streams converging at once.  I was finishing two major projects (one had a big hiccup towards the end that almost derailed it), we had people move out of our house who had been staying with us for a few months, we had out of town guests all week, and to top it off Immy had a double ear infection and needed to get another set of tubes in her ears.  Along with all of that I had to teach twice on Sunday.  And so while I was preparing to teach in the evening I didn't have the same amount of time I usually do...I felt pressed to come up with a message that was faithful, engaging, creative, and above all...perfect.

Well, when it was all said and done - it was not perfect.  Good, sure.  But not the best I've ever done.  The next morning I woke up picking my teaching apart - literally going over every single second critiquing myself.  "Oh man, I should have said this...I didn't expound on that enough...Why didn't I see that connection before..." Nitpicking every detail - tearing myself apart.

And then I caught myself in the midst of it and stopped.  I wondered why I was doing this to myself...it felt cruel and mean and unkind.  And I realized this is how I expected others to react to my lack of perfection...so if I cut it apart first then it wouldn't hurt so bad when they rejected me.  If I could find every flaw then they couldn't hurt me with their critique.  It was a defensive move.  I was feeling insecure and exposed...teaching is vulnerable.

I once had a mentor tell me that if I was going to survive in ministry then I would have to get comfortable with 'good enough.'  He said that my drive towards perfection would burn me out young in this calling - because you just can't hit homeruns every time.  Base hits are good enough to keep the game moving.  My job is to be faithful as a teacher, not perfect.

These are wise words that I still need to hear.  The truth is, I am not comfortable with faithfulness and good enough as a standard.  And while I wish my motives were more noble, the reality is I want to be perfect because I want to be liked.  But then I can see that I am making this calling about me - about filling my own personal insecurities.  And that makes my offering one that is self-conscious and full of anxiety.

To rest in faithfulness is to trust God...to trust that God is the one who stirs the heart of others...that God will bless a faithful offering...that God has given me this gift of teaching and base hits are totally acceptable over a life-time of ministry.  Striving for perfection does not bring me closer to the heart of God...and if perfection is my driving motivation how then can I teach on the grace of God?

I want to do things well - and that is honorable.  God does not want me to be lazy in my gifts or calling.  But there is wisdom in knowing when good enough is good enough...trusting that God can use a faithful message, even if it isn't perfect.

And so as I unwind from this season, as I reflect on the work of this fall (even the work that was good enough) I am going to trust that God's voice to me is one of grace, love, and acceptance that says:

"Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!" (Matthew 25v21)

That's good enough for me.

Dusting Off

So....long time no write.  Time to dust off the ol' blog.

Truth is this fall has been incredibly packed.  I knew that it would be a busy season because there have been a number of projects I have been developing at work.  I also knew that come December many of these projects would be winding down.  I am not one to revel in being busy...I used to, but no more.  I do not want busyness to be the mark of my worth.

But with that being said, I have been busy.  Which has left little margin for this space.  I have been sad about it - but also needed to let this time be what it is.  When I write out of obligation or compulsion I rarely write anything worth reading.

But I can say that the time away from this space has given me a new vision for how I might use this blog.  It has been, and will remain, a place of reflection and pondering.  It is a place where I get to share the ramblings of my heart and head.  But I also have recaptured some of my loves recently: cooking, photography, film/good tv, reading...and I want to share those things too.

So, coming very soon I'm going to spruce up the content of this blog with a few ongoing "series":

1. What I'm Eating: Over the last few years I have had to refine my diet due to allergies and food sensitivities.  So, I am exercising my creative cooking muscles recently as I've begun eating "paleo."  I want to share some of the fun things I'm making with you!
2. What I'm Reading: Both fiction and non-fiction.  Finding good books is hard to do...so I want to share the wealth.
3. What I'm Watching: Movies, Shows, YouTube videos...should be fun
4. What I'm Loving: These will most likely be updates about Immy...cause I love her.  But also other things and people of interest.
5. What I'm Thinking: My usual musings...

Should be fun!  I am looking forward to the variety...hopefully I will have a "What I'm Eating" post this weekend with a Paleo Apple Pie!  Fun fun!