Horses and Chocolat

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, 

but of power, love, and self-discipline.

-2 Timothy 1:7

I was away on a retreat a couple of weeks ago (my how time flies!)  I went into it feeling wary and a little burdened.  Working all week means that I really only get two days where I see Imogen for more than an hour in the morning and an hour at night...and I was going to be gone both of those days.  But I had to go for work, and more than that I knew God had something for me.

I won't go into all of the details of the retreat, but there are a few snippets that have really stayed with me. The first has to do with horses.  I have a very strange fear of horses...I avoid them at all costs.  I know you horse lovers out there are gasping in shock!  "How can anyone not like horses???"  Well, I don't.  They are big and have teeth - a combo that I don't find endearing.

So, when I heard we were going to spend some time with horses I contemplated going for a run instead.  But I heard God whisper to me that I was meant to go - He had something to show me.  Plus I have been working on this whole, not-being-in-the-grip-of-fear thing - so what better way to tangibly step into that than to go hang out with some horses...

The woman who owned the horse farm brought out four horses - 3 large ones and one little Shetland pony.  The three large ones ran around the arena with thundering hooves - the little pony went to the back and chewed on some hay.  The woman asked us three questions:
Which one was the leader?
Which one did you like the most?
Which one did you most identify with?

Well, I immediately thought that I was like the Shetland pony - in the back, just hanging out, not trying to keep up with the rest of the pack.  Short, stubby, and awkward.  That is how I saw myself.  And then I heard God say to me, "Really?  Is that really who you think you are?"  And then they told the story about the blonde horse who led that day.  It was her first time taking the leadership role - normally she hung back a bit.  They said she was courageous that day.  She had been abused before she arrived at the horse farm, and since being in a safe place she slowly had been coming into her own.  And that day she was simply glorious - fearless, courageous, uninhibited.

In hearing this I heard God whisper again, "Now that is more like you...can't you see it?"  I was shocked - and yet I knew in my heart it was true.  God was beginning to show me something new about myself - a new way of seeing myself.

Then later we had to think of a movie character we related to.  I immediately think of Rose from In Her Shoes - a shy wall-flower of a woman who eventually comes into her own.  But before I could speak I heard God once again, "Really?  Is that really how you see yourself?"  I was a little annoyed at this point - so I retorted back "Fine then, if you have a better suggestion then let me know."  I sat there silently for a few minutes - and then it came.

Vianne from Chocolat.  I was surprised, but I knew it was true.  She is a strong woman who shows up into a new town and shakes things up.  She sees other people well and brings out the best in them.  But she is a complicated character, because she doesn't see herself well.  She can help others, but she also isolates herself and doesn't know how to let others in.  Her journey in the film is one of letting down her guard and letting others invest in her - just as much as she invests in others.

It was my turn to ask God "Really?  Is that really how you want em to see myself?"  All of the old familiar insecurities rushed in to take their familiar space.  They whispered to me:
"How dare you try to think you are better than you really are?"
"Who do you think you are?  Special?  Worthy?  I don't think so."
"This is just you trying to pretend that you're someone else..."
"Just admit that you are small, and insecure, and should blend into the background..."

These voices pop up whenever God is trying to do something new in my life.  And the reality is, I believe these voices more often than I believe the voice of God.  I assume this is how God sees me - small, insignificant, bothersome...kind of a loser.  And ao I have spent a lot of my time trying to be someone who blends into the background.

But recently I have heard God say to me "Enough.  Enough of this.  It is not getting you anywhere - certainly not the places where I want to lead you.  Enough.  You are Enough."  Even as I write this I feel the familiar voices getting louder "How dare you write that!  People are going to roll their eyes and laugh at you...you are not enough...you never will be."

So here I am - caught between two stories.  The one I keep trying to fit myself into - where I am small, and easily overlooked and should be hidden away.  The one where my insecurities rule the day and define who I am.  Or the story God has been writing with my life...which I reluctantly find myself saying yes to.

God's story has led me to marry an amazing man - move across the country to pursue a crazy dream - move back across the country into a crazy situation with challenges beyond my wildest imagination - have a daughter - move to Michigan - jump out of an airplane in New Zealand...the story God is writing with my life is not in line with the story I keep trying to write...

And so I have to choose.  Enough is enough already.  I can keep resisting and having the same conversation over and over again...or I can let God change the way I see myself - the way I move in the world - the way I say yes to all He has for me.  See, fear and timidity, they aren't taking me anywhere worth going...they are holding me back and dragging me down and drowning out the glorious voice of God.

So, enough.  I am going to start tuning out the familiar voices that cut me down and keep me small...and I am going to start tuning my ear to God's voice...the voice that continues to reveal and call me out and makes all things new.

I am going to start living as if I am enough and see where it takes me...either way it should be an adventure.