A recent study revealed that 4 out of 10 women buy shoes knowing that they are too small. Why would anyone do this? Well, because there is this crazy notion that feet must be petite - and therefore the smaller the shoe size the more attractive the foot. No one ever said fashion is rational.
I must admit - in the past I have fallen prey to this ridiculous line of thinking. My first year of grad school there was a pair of trendy sneakers I really wanted. I pined for them, but they were outside our budget. When I pulled all A's Steve said I should get them as a reward for my hard work. I thought this was a brilliant idea. I went in and picked out the pair I wanted, but they only had an 8.5, and truth be told I'm anywhere between a 9-10. But I loved them and so I decided they fit good enough...plus that .5 less made me feel better about my feet.
It didn't work out well for me. My toes scrunched, my heels scraped along the back, and by the end of the day I would end up blistered and sore, wondering what on earth possessed me to buy shoes that were too small! Needless to say those shoes would not make it out of the closet very often...but I could look at them and think my feet could fit into a smaller size - if I was simply willing to endure small amounts of torture. Eventually what was intended to be a reward for working hard became a lament for wasting money on a pair of shoes that did not fit. As trendy as they were, I just couldn't cram my foot into them.
Recently, I have been on the hunt for a pair of boots. Since our shopping fast I am slow to purchase. I analyze, research, and wait. I went out shopping for boots three separate times - each time I tried on a number of styles. Each time I was tempted to just settle on a pair, so I wouldn't have to go out again. Each time I almost bought something that was just good enough. It also so happens that each time I tried on the same boot at three different stores in three different colors. By the third time I realized that I probably really liked this particular boot since I kept giving it a go.
As I went to purchase the boot I was tempted to go a size down...the truth is my feet grew after pregnancy. I have been in denial and tried to keep wearing the same cute shoes I wore before my feet stretched...but they are just not the same. But I remembered that I was looking for a long-term commitment - I was in it for the long-haul with these shoes, and I was determined not to make the same mistake. And so I bit the bullet and got the shoes that fit...it was hard to embrace my ever growing feet - but there they are. And the boots look great.
So where am I going with this? Why all this talk about shoes? Well, it has had me thinking about life. I have a confession to make. I am still 5lbs. away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I have started working out again, been watching what I eat, trying to get sleep...but these 5lbs. aren't going anywhere. I have beat myself up about them a number of times. Depending on the week sometimes it is all I can think about. I am so close to pre-pregnancy weight...and yet so far away.
I want to be back to the weight I was before I was pregnant. But the truth is at that point I was the thinnest I had ever been as an adult. I was watching every calorie, practically a vegan, cooking everything myself, working out 6 times a week (sometimes twice a day), and had time to work full-time and be a wife on top of all that. My life was busy and full, but it was manageable to do all of that. It was a particular season in life where that rhythm fit.
I am no longer in that season...and that shoe doesn't fit any longer. I have been frustrated with the change...it has been a hard adjustment. I don't sleep as much as I did before because Immy gets up when she needs to, not when it is convenient for me. I am lucky if I make it to the gym 4 times a week, and I have to do express workouts since I need to get to work at an earlier hour than my previous job. On my days off I would rather see my family than squeeze in an extra time at the gym. Cooking is still part of our regular lives since I have dietary limitations - but I don't cook as much or as often as I did before. I am still intentional about food - but not as much as I was before. Life is just different.
I think too often we try to cram ourselves into seasons that do not fit. We think our life should look a certain way, regardless of reality, and so we pour ourselves into activities, relationships, commitments that just don't quite fit. We stretch ourselves thin, beat ourselves up, and wear ourselves down trying to work around the actual circumstances of our lives. And all we end up with is blistered, battered, cramped souls that give up and hide away in a closet.
So, I am trying to embrace the reality of this season of life. The shape of my life has changed. It has expanded in many ways - and in other ways it has shrunk. Time has to be re-prioritized. My capacity for some things is less than it used to be. I wish that I could be a full-time working mom, a loving wife, a good friend, a healthy person and still find extra time to lose 5lbs. But I can't. And so this season I have to accept these 5 extra travelling companions.
It seems I have a choice - I can obsess over how my life has changed and resist it, or I can wear the shoe that actually fits - and enjoy it.
This season of life doesn't afford me extra gym time or long periods of cooking. But it has been filled with more laughter and delight than I have ever known. I have more love than I could have ever expected. I feel more full than ever before. My cup is overflowing. This is a season of joy...and I can rob myself of it by trying to cram myself into my former life -just like I robbed myself of actually enjoying my trendy sneakers. Or I can relax into it, accept it, embrace it - taking comfort that this is where I am, and it will pass into another season that will bring different opportunities and capacities...
I am committing to only wearing shoes that fit. Hope you will join me.
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