At the Seams

It has been a while since I have posted.  There are many reasons.  We moved into our new house - and the work that went along with it has been a bit overwhelming and time consuming.  Steve's beloved Nana passed away and he had to make an unexpected trip back to New Hampshire.  Immy needed tubes in her ears.  Work has been busy. Life has been busy.  I know I have fallen behind on my photo project...which honestly makes me avoid this space because it feels overwhelming to edit and post...I just haven't had time to even download photos.  And we have a 13 month old who is crawling, babbling, and switching nap schedules...she alone keeps our hands full.  Plus we have had some emotional disappointments recently which we are still sorting out and working through.

All this to say life has been full.  And while I am grateful for it all - the result is that I am frayed at the edges.  In fact, I feel at times that it is all being held together by a loose network of strings, and should one get tugged a little too tight it may all unravel.

Those who know we would say that I am a woman who often exudes competence (even when I don't feel competent).  I come off as one who has my stuff together...and I work hard to actually have things together.  But in this recently frayed state of life I am finding that harder to pull off.  Perhaps that is a good thing - but whether good or not - it is definitely inconvenient...as only God's timing could be.

The seams of my life are not as secure as I would like them...it feels like everything could spill out and make a terrible mess.  So much change so quickly had to catch up with us eventually...and now that we are starting to feel settled the implications of all the dramatic life shifts are nipping at our heels.  I am not the put-together, competent, confident woman I usually am.  I feel frayed and frazzled (and frumpy to be honest).

A few weeks ago at church, I walked into the service on the verge of falling apart.  Steve had been gone for three days, Imogen had been getting up at 5am each day, and we had contractors in and out of the house all weekend.  Normally the days I would rest or at least get to slow down a bit had been crammed with unexpected life things.  And so I dragged myself into church trying to hold the seams of life together enough to sit down in a chair and take a breath.

During the worship we had a time where we just sat in God's presence.  We reflected on God's holiness and God's goodness.  And then we just sat with Jesus.  In that moment I felt totally embraced.  I felt God meet me in that chair, wrap His arms around me, and take hold of the frayed seams of my life while I just rested.  It was a beautiful moment that my soul desperately needed.

And as is typical with God's timing...it is both inconvenient and perfect.

I am not one who lets the seams of my life get in disarray.  Should a loose string show up I quickly work it back in or clip it off.  Keep it tidy and keep it simple.  Frayed people need help...and I am not someone who easily asks for help.  Frayed people don't just need help...they obviously need help.  And while I may at times find it in me to swallow my pride and ask for help...I would not want to be in a position where help was offered without my asking because it was obvious I can't hold it together without some outside assistance.

This could be named the confessions of a control freak...

All this to say, frayed edges are something I avoid.  And yet there I found myself...frayed...like it or not.  But I also realized that had I not been frayed I would not have entered into that moment with such abandon.  It was an enormous relief to feel someone else hold life together for a moment while I simply rested and enjoyed being held.

So, though it takes the spiritual equivalent of being hit over the head with a 2x4, I come to realize that perhaps living so neatly at the seams is not serving me as well as I think.  Sure, it makes it so that I don't feel like I am a burden to anyone...but it also keeps people from coming alongside me.  It makes it so that I don't have to ask for help...but it also keeps people from blessing me with their gifts.  And it makes it so that I exude competence...but it also keeps reinforcing that I am only worth something if I am capable of doing things well.

Not that I want to live frayed and frazzled (and frumpy...) but there is a lesson for me here.  Perhaps I don't need to be so quick to keep the seams of my life tidy.  Perhaps keeping them sewn up so tightly actually keeps people out - when all I want to do is let them in.  Perhaps the loose strings are a gift - the place where community happens - where faith happens - where love happens.

My instincts tell me to pull it together, delete this post and forget this ever happened.  And yet if this is God's inconvenient yet perfect timing then maybe I need to trust that over my compulsive need to tidy up the seams of my life is not serving me well.  Perhaps a little fray is exactly what I need right now...maybe I need to live life at the seams for a bit and see what happens...I might just find community, faith, and love waiting for me there...