Finding Home

At the Seams

2012-01-30T06:57:00.002-05:00

It has been a while since I have posted. There are many reasons. We moved into our new house - and the work that went along with it has been a bit overwhelming and time consuming. Steve's beloved Nana passed away and he had to make an unexpected trip back to New Hampshire. Immy needed tubes in her ears. Work has been busy. Life has been busy. I know I have fallen behind on my photo project...which honestly makes me avoid this space because it feels overwhelming to edit and post...I just haven't had time to even download photos. And we have a 13 month old who is crawling, babbling, and switching nap schedules...she alone keeps our hands full. Plus we have had some emotional disappointments recently which we are still sorting out and working through.

All this to say life has been full. And while I am grateful for it all - the result is that I am frayed at the edges. In fact, I feel at times that it is all being held together by a loose network of strings, and should one get tugged a little too tight it may all unravel.

Those who know we would say that I am a woman who often exudes competence (even when I don't feel competent). I come off as one who has my stuff together...and I work hard to actually have things together. But in this recently frayed state of life I am finding that harder to pull off. Perhaps that is a good thing - but whether good or not - it is definitely inconvenient...as only God's timing could be.

The seams of my life are not as secure as I would like them...it feels like everything could spill out and make a terrible mess. So much change so quickly had to catch up with us eventually...and now that we are starting to feel settled the implications of all the dramatic life shifts are nipping at our heels. I am not the put-together, competent, confident woman I usually am. I feel frayed and frazzled (and frumpy to be honest).

A few weeks ago at church, I walked into the service on the verge of falling apart. Steve had been gone for three days, Imogen had been getting up at 5am each day, and we had contractors in and out of the house all weekend. Normally the days I would rest or at least get to slow down a bit had been crammed with unexpected life things. And so I dragged myself into church trying to hold the seams of life together enough to sit down in a chair and take a breath.

During the worship we had a time where we just sat in God's presence. We reflected on God's holiness and God's goodness. And then we just sat with Jesus. In that moment I felt totally embraced. I felt God meet me in that chair, wrap His arms around me, and take hold of the frayed seams of my life while I just rested. It was a beautiful moment that my soul desperately needed.

And as is typical with God's timing...it is both inconvenient and perfect.

I am not one who lets the seams of my life get in disarray. Should a loose string show up I quickly work it back in or clip it off. Keep it tidy and keep it simple. Frayed people need help...and I am not someone who easily asks for help. Frayed people don't just need help...they obviously need help. And while I may at times find it in me to swallow my pride and ask for help...I would not want to be in a position where help was offered without my asking because it was obvious I can't hold it together without some outside assistance.

This could be named the confessions of a control freak...

All this to say, frayed edges are something I avoid. And yet there I found myself...frayed...like it or not. But I also realized that had I not been frayed I would not have entered into that moment with such abandon. It was an enormous relief to feel someone else hold life together for a moment while I simply rested and enjoyed being held.

So, though it takes the spiritual equivalent of being hit over the head with a 2x4, I come to realize that perhaps living so neatly at the seams is not serving me as well as I think. Sure, it makes it so that I don't feel like I am a burden to anyone...but it also keeps people from coming alongside me. It makes it so that I don't have to ask for help...but it also keeps people from blessing me with their gifts. And it makes it so that I exude competence...but it also keeps reinforcing that I am only worth something if I am capable of doing things well.

Not that I want to live frayed and frazzled (and frumpy...) but there is a lesson for me here. Perhaps I don't need to be so quick to keep the seams of my life tidy. Perhaps keeping them sewn up so tightly actually keeps people out - when all I want to do is let them in. Perhaps the loose strings are a gift - the place where community happens - where faith happens - where love happens.

My instincts tell me to pull it together, delete this post and forget this ever happened. And yet if this is God's inconvenient yet perfect timing then maybe I need to trust that over my compulsive need to tidy up the seams of my life is not serving me well. Perhaps a little fray is exactly what I need right now...maybe I need to live life at the seams for a bit and see what happens...I might just find community, faith, and love waiting for me there...

Photo Friday #22

2012-01-02T16:08:00.001-05:00

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Cookie decorating for NICU Families!

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This hair is out of control...

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Yay! Our stuff has arrived!

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Oh the adventures of home ownership

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And so the move-in begins...Occupy Hall St.

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Quintessential move-in moment...eating dinner in the floor with no furniture

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Merry Christmas!

Photo Friday #21

2012-01-02T16:00:00.002-05:00

Here's some more to enjoy!

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It's my birthday..I can stare if I want to.

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The Face-off

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Mars Hill Christmas Party fun

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Testing sippy cups

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Diapers can be toys too...

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Immy's Thanksgiving art from Daycare proudly hung on the fridge

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It is a sad day in the Dancause home...
Immy dropped a sippy cup on my iPad and shattered the screen...
so long iPad...it was fun while it lasted.

Photo Friday #20

2012-01-02T15:55:00.001-05:00

These are so late it is ridiculous...but I will be more getting photos up this week...

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Christmas music on iTunes Visualizer...baby heaven

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Auntie Melissa and tupperware lids...also baby heaven

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Carpet shopping

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Checking out her new sled

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Biting off more than she can chew...

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Guess who's one?

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Enjoying birthday spoils...

Choose Joy

2012-01-01T10:33:00.002-05:00

Well, here we are...in 2012. A new year. I love the beginning of each new year. We say goodbye to what the year before held - both good and bad - and we wait to see what this next year will hold.

Last year was a year of trust and transition for me. It was New Year's Eve last year that Imogen came home from the hospital. January 1, 2011 I began the work of parenting. I had no idea how much I would love it - how much I would love her. I had no idea how much it would change me and challenge me. I had no idea how it would open my eyes to the character of God. Parenthood has been an adventure that I never could have anticipated... I am grateful.

Last year was also the year I quit my job without another job lined up...and I entered into a season of enormous trust. It was the year that I turned down the job I thought I wanted to accept the job I knew God wanted for me. It was the year we packed all of our stuff, put it in a POD, and moved ourselves to Michigan. It was the year we spent living in a temporary space while we looked for a house...and six offers later found a house we never could have imagined would be ours.

2011 was a year of change, and growth, and struggle. While the stories have amazing endings - and God's goodness is so evident through them...living them is a different thing altogether. In the midst of it all you can do is trust and hold on. 2011 was a roller-coaster of a year.

As I pray about 2012 - I get a sense this year will be very different in nature. This is a year about reaping joy.

Many years back I was in a living situation where the only place that I could call my own was inside of my closet. And I do mean my literal closet. So I set up a little sanctuary in there. Under my clothes I put some candles (can we say fire-hazard!) and my Bible, my journal...and I made a sign. The living situation was not ideal - I did not feel comfortable in my home - I struggled to not give into bitterness, resentfulness, and entitlement. So the sign I made had two words:

"Choose Joy."

I would got into my closet when I was upset or needed to get away. And I would begin to stew and mutter about everything i didn't like...and then I would see my sign. White lettering on a black background.

Choose Joy.

It was kinda like a sucker punch of a sign...because it was a reminder that I had a choice in the matter. I could choose bitterness, resentment, stress, anger, entitlement, sadness, despair...or I could choose joy.

I must admit - I did not always make the right choice in that situation. Sometimes I would leave my closet giving my little sign the finger and rush headlong into conflict and anger. But that sign has haunted me to this day...

Choose Joy.

As I prayed about 2012 that sign kept floating before my eyes. I believe this is a year where we will reap a harvest...many people have gotten that word for us through prayer. We have spent many years sowing and toiling in the soil. It has been hard work...rewarding but hard. And if I am honest it has left me with some scratches and snags that I didn't realize until now. And these scratches and snags can easily lead me down the path of bitterness - should I choose to walk there.

And I once again find myself back in that little closet - sitting on the floor - needing to make a choice. Bitterness is a root that burrows deep down in our souls...and it is a nasty SOB to get rid of. The reality is, bitterness is a choice. It is a choice to dwell and linger on our hurts...the places we have been wronged or wounded. Bitterness tastes sweet going down...but soon it wraps itself around our hearts and releases poison to our very core.

Joy and bitterness cannot abide in the same space. One will always overcome the other. So as I look at the year ahead of me I believe God intends it to be a year of joy. Which my weary heart is glad to hear! But I also must come to terms with the reality that joy does not just happen to us...joy is a choice. It is a choice to be healed - to let go - to dwell on good, gracious, life-giving things. It is a choice to forgive, to release, to receive.

And so this year, my resolution is this...Choose Joy. Whenever I can, whatever it means, I work to choose joy.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Philippians 4: 8-9

With Us

2011-12-30T10:37:00.000-05:00

Life has been on fast forward the last two weeks. We moved into our new home...yet we have not fully moved in. It needed quite a bit of work on the front end, which meant we can't quite settle in yet. But we had to get our stuff out of our storage POD, which meant it had to go somewhere. The limbo state we have been living in continues...

We are so grateful for this house. Despite not really being moved in, it still feels like home. But the chaos of moving in and renovations all happened over Christmas. We have been unpacking and cleaning here - while simultaneously packing and cleaning our apartment. We've been moving our sleeping arrangements between floors...we've spent long hours cooped up in the nursery trying to keep Imogen entertained...we've spent lots of time sitting on the floor since we can't have our furniture in the house until the floors are done...

All in all it has been a very busy season. But not busy in the usual holiday way...which normally includes friends, family, cooking, meals, fires, music, Christmas trees...

There was no tree this year. I was really sad about that - because I love our Christmas tree! And to add to it - last year we spent Christmas in the hospital with Imogen. So Christmas didn't feel like Christmas last year either...

So this has me thinking...what is Christmas all about? (Cue Charlie Brown clip here...)

Seriously though. Take away the cookies, the carols, the Christmas trees...and what do we have left?

On Christmas Day I was cooking soup to store in the fridge because our kitchen was going to be unusable for four days. A friend also recently had a baby, so we called to see if they needed soup that day. When they took us up on the offer we packed some up and headed over. And of course I had to spend some time snuggling with the baby. So helpless and small, I was overwhelmed by the beauty of new life. Then we had to rush out to clean our apartment, feed our cats who were still at the apartment, and then get Immy back to the house to nap...rush, rush, rush

After all of the rushing we were driving home and I started to pray out loud...I'm random like that. And I was overwhelmed by the realization that God became a little, tiny, helpless baby...for us. He gave Himself over to us - put Himself in our care...even though we are rather unreliable. He trusted us...not just with His plan, but with His very life (which we know how that turns out...but that is for another season)

As I reflected on this I began to realize while I love all the glitz that comes with the Christmas season...you better believe next year the tree is going up, cookies are going in the oven, and carols will be blasting in our house...Christmas is not about the glitz. For two years now I have missed the "fun" of the season...but this year I experienced the reason for the season (oh yeah, I went there...)

This year one song stood out to me in particular - O Holy Night. I have always loved it, because it is powerful and beautiful. But this year I kept hearing one line over and over again:

"Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth"

Christmas is about so much more than I have made it. I get caught up in the hype and the flash - but I can lose perspective and forget. I can move so fast that I don't let God's incarnation speak to my soul...telling me how much I am worth. I am worth more than the things that show up under my Christmas tree (or in my hallway should there not be a tree...) This is about so much more.

Christmas. What is it all about? It is about God...with us. Here. Now. In the midst of messy hospitals and messy houses...and messy lives. Here in the mess. Christmas - we are not alone. Christmas - all is not lost. Christmas - pain is not the end of the story. Christmas - God cares. Christmas - God sees us. Christmas - we are loved. Unexplainable, passionately, vehemently loved. Christmas - there is reason to hope. Christmas - has your soul felt its worth?

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees!

O hear the angel voices!

O night divine,

O night when Christ was born;

O night divine, O night,

O night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.

So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,

Here come the wise men from Orient land.

The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;

In all our trials born to be our friend.

He knows our need,

to our weakness is no stranger,

Behold your King!

Before Him lowly bend!

Behold your King,

Before Him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;

And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

Let all within us praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord!

O praise His Name forever,

His power and glory evermore proclaim.

Transition

2011-12-20T22:17:00.001-05:00

We begin the move into our new house tomorrow. It is hard to believe that it is finally here. Steve and I had some time together today while Immy was at daycare - we spent most of it getting various chores done in preparation for the move...phone calls, packing up our apartment, organizing what will happen when...so much to be done. But in between all the chaos we had a few moments to sit back and take in where life has brought us.

This last year we had a baby, survived the NICU, I quit my job without another job, interviewed for two different jobs in different states, chose one and moved to MI...with a baby and two cats, started a new job, moved into a temporary apartment, put offers on 6 houses, finally bought a house, waited over 20 days before we could take possession of the house...

It has been a huge year for us. So much transition squeezed into twelve months. I have had a hard time feeling like I have a grasp on where my life is, the rhythms I need to feel sane and grounded, the new patterns that make up our days...looking back at all that has changed, now I can see why it has been so hard.

I have a tendency to get down on myself if I don't maintain a certain rhythm to my life...you probably noticed this long before I did if you have been reading this blog for the last few months. I can become very judgmental of myself and my lack of discipline. Today I was feeling so overwhelmed by all that was on our plate - and Imogen once again has diaper rash and is still fighting an ear infection - she was super fussy at dinner and I needed a break - so I went and ate a cookie. I couldn't believe it afterwards...I am not a stress eater. And here I was...classic case of stress eating! Yikes!

The first thing I did was pour shame down on myself..."habits like that will get you fat." "watch it or you'll soon be out of control..." Obviously stress eating is not a habit that wish to pick up...but there was an overwhelming lack of grace in my reaction. There are better ways to deal with stress than eating a cookie - but there are better ways of dealing with poor decisions than guilt and shame.

I sometimes lack curiosity when it comes to my own thoughts and actions. I am great at encouraging curiosity in others towards others...but fail to offer it to myself. But if I look at my actions and lack of rhythm through the eyes of grace I can see that transitory living takes its toll of the best of us. It wrecks any sense of order or continuity that we may have established. We can adapt when needed - but temporary living situations do not bring out the best in most of us...at least not in me. I have seen it take a toll on my eating, sleeping, free time, work habits...I feel like I just can't find myself in the midst of all this transition.

I guess what I am getting at is transition is disruptive. I shakes everything up - and it takes a while for the pieces to settle. I thought this final leg of the journey would feel more exciting and peaceful - but the truth is it feels stressful and overwhelming. I am excited to finally get into our permanent home...but the reality is it will take time for it to actually feel like home. While I am looking forward to having our kitchen stuff back - I adapted to the makeshift kitchen we had available to us...and now we have to start over again.

I am hopeful that this time we will begin to feel more rooted and established - as this will be the home we will live in for as long as we are in Grand Rapids - but getting settled is hard work. I can see why people don't pull up roots easily. Sometimes it is easier to stay where you are than bear the burden of transition. The adventure of it all wears off very quickly...and you're left with a lot of sorting out to do.

So tomorrow the chaos kicks up again. The hard work of getting settled - of taking the next step in this large transition...hopefully it is a step towards stability...we will have to wait and see.

Photo Friday #19

2011-12-17T15:00:00.001-05:00

So apparently we kept Imogen in the same outfit most of this week...I guess house-sitting will do that to you...hope you enjoy!

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Guess who got introduced to the fabulous world of stairs?

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This house was around the corner from the place we were staying...loved it.

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Three's company.

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Since we don't have access to our Christmas decorations this year - we are enjoying the ones around town.

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Chillin' with Grandma

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Big.Bigger.Biggest.

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Guess who has a birthday coming up???

Photo Friday #18 (Two Weeks Late!)

2011-12-16T18:51:00.001-05:00

Okay - I know I have fallen behind...and it is hard to catch up. But at least keeping the name 'Photo Friday' makes me hold myself accountable to not falling too far behind...more photos to come...stay tuned!

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My two favorite people

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Advent Service at Mars...good for the soul.

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Someone is mastering the sippy cup

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The largest Charlie Brown Christmas tree ever decorating my office...
also known at he Christmas Stick

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Community Life Team Christmas Card

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This photo brought to you by the Mid-west

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Our house-mate for the week...meet Scotch.

::One::

2011-12-15T10:33:00.000-05:00

Monday was Imogen's birthday. I cannot believe that a year has gone by. It honestly has been the fastest year of my entire life. As I sit here thinking about what I want to write I feel a bit at a loss for words. Perhaps it is because I have said so much about the journey of parenthood already. More likely it is because I am still sorting out all of the emotions that come with this milestone.

Recently Steve named for me that we didn't have a lot of joy around Immy's birth. Not that we weren't glad to be parents - but the circumstances were so scary and overwhelming that we had no time to celebrate. We were plunged head first into a reality that we did not plan for and had no idea how to navigate.

A couple of weeks ago we were driving in Grand Rapids near the medical mile. The area looked so much like Yale that I became sick to my stomach and couldn't breath. Later I told Steve that it must have been how my body felt the whole time Immy was in the hospital - but I just didn't have the ability to feel it at that time. Experts say that our bodies hold memories that our minds are not be able to process. While I have struggled with the way my body has changed since pregnancy and the difficulty in losing all the baby weight, I was grateful for my body's ability to remember. I need to remember - it is part of our story.

I am sad that we did not have a lot of joy around Immy's birth - it feels like something was taken from us in that moment. It is hard that this season is both one of celebrating our daughter and processing a trauma that we have not had much time or capacity to properly work through. But we are working through it now...and God is healing our hearts slowly but surely.

The joy of Imogen's birth may have been overshadowed by the fear and pain of the struggles that came along with her birth last year - I can say with confidence that one year later joy is the overwhelming emotion in the Dancause home. I have so much joy that my daughter is here - that she is part of our family - that she is healthy and happy and growing stronger each day.

I guess the thing that strikes me one year later is the importance of story. It has been healing for me to share Imogen's story - my story - our family's story with others. It is important to remember the origins of this story...it is important to work through all that comes with remembering this scary beginning. Looking back is part of honoring Immy's story. But I am also struck by how important it is to keep moving forward in our stories. Immy started off with struggle - but she is so amazing as a result of it. I see what an amazing, brave, gentle, loving person she already is - even at one. And while her beginning will mark her - it does not define her. It is not the totality of her story. In fact, one year later there is so much more to her story...and mine.

I thought I would have something more profound to say in marking this one year. I thought I would have one of those posts that people share over and over again - that my words would speak to the souls of others...but the truth is I don't. I don't have anything truly profound to say...I guess Steve covered that for us this year.

What I do have to say is I am so grateful. I am grateful when I remember how so many people all around the world lifted our family up in prayer when we needed it most - when we could barely pray ourselves. I am grateful when I think about the people who served us and blessed us while we walked through the valley of the shadow of death. I am grateful for those who love my daughter and see how remarkable she is. I am grateful for those who continue to care how her story unfolds...how my story unfolds. I am grateful for my husband - what an amazing father he is - how much more I love him now that our family has grown. I am grateful that I have the privilege of raising Imogen - that I get to help shape how she sees the world, others, God...it takes my breath away. I am grateful that there is more to our story...there is more joy to be had. I am grateful.

One year later - we survived. Imogen is growing - but I am also growing. Perhaps why I don't have words (though I managed to write this entire post...) is because this is one of those things that is beyond words. So I will end with this - to all of you who have journeyed with us and continue to journey with us - for life, and family, and love, and hope, and healing, and growth...

Thank you. For everything. For this past year. For Imogen.

Thank you.

Welcome to the Blogosphere Steve

2011-12-14T08:54:00.005-05:00

So I have a treat for you today...Steve Dancause, my amazing and brilliant husband, is guest blogging today! But before we get to his amazing words there are a couple fo things I need to cover:

1. Photo Friday - I know I am two weeks behind in posting...I have the photos, just haven't been able to edit and post yet with all the birthday happenings, out of town guests, and new house stuff...but stay tuned, they are on the way

2. I also have some thoughts on Immy's birthday which I will post tomorrow. But for today, here are Steve's words...I loved them, I think you will too.

Family and Trinity

I am writing this on the day after the first birthday of my daughter, Imogen Noelle. She is a strong, brave, intelligent and beautiful little girl. Things were scary a year ago. It wasn’t easy to get pregnant for Meredith and I, but eventually God provided and Imogen was conceived. Yet she almost didn’t make it. There were complications that led to distress in the womb, prematurity, and a few things that doctors were at a loss to resolve until they simply resolved themselves. But despite all this she is now a thriving toddler. Not all parents are so blessed.

There is a picture that I see in my family, indeed in all families, that imperfectly reflects the Trinity. My wife and I pour out our lives for our daughter. Physically, financially, emotionally – our lives are now being drained even as Imogen’s is being filled. We take care of ourselves as best we can, yet even that is in the service of her long term interests, as well as whatever siblings she may gain down the road. I still have my own dreams and aspirations, but I am increasingly aware of my own mortality. I (with quite a lot of help from my wife) gave life. Soon my own will slowly drain away. I am temporal, time-bound, temporary. I am but dust, and to dust I will return.

It is the same with my own parents, who are thankfully still living. They emptied themselves so that my brother and sisters and I could be filled. They did so imperfectly, and sometimes with the wrong motives, just as Meredith and I do so imperfectly now. Many parents have children out of selfish motives, but if they end up being half decent parents, they too will pour out on behalf of their children. In a sense the lives’ of my parents continue through my own life, and then through Imogen’s, but soon a day will come when no one remembers who any of us were. Our active part in creation will have come to an end.

Or will it? I think that the life of the Trinity would suggest otherwise. Family is one of the primary analogies used to describe the Trinitarian relationship. Like a Father and a Son. The three persons of the Trinity exist as an act of perfect communion, continually emptying into each other even as they are continually being filled by each other. It is a picture of divine mutuality and reciprocity. Human families can reflect this reality. We are poured into by our parents, and hopefully we grow and thrive. If our parents are lucky we will someday pour back into them before their lives draw to a close, even as we pour into any children of our own. The Gospel invites the entire human community to experience God’s love through mutual submission to each other. The Trinity lives it out perfectly, dynamically and eternally. It is literally what life is all about.

In loving and receiving love from others we catch a glimpse of who God is. If the Trinity is a community of mutual submission, and if we are made in the image of God, then I would suggest that mutual submission is what community at its best really is. But we are also fallen. We are unwilling to submit because there are those who will take advantage of us. We fear to submit because our lives are short. We are only human, after all. It is one thing to be God and submit to God, and quite another to be human and submit to my spouse, my parent, and my neighbor. Never mind my enemy. We are only human, and the persons of the Trinity are not human like we are, and they do not die like we do. Except Jesus did.

Life is a story about sacrifice, and God has chosen to extend divine life on behalf of the world. Jesus said it well; ‘you must lose your life in order to find it’. It is a truth he knows as a person of the Trinity, where each member pours into the others constantly and perfectly. He trusted in it enough to put off his divine power and privilege and become one of us. And he died for us. Yet in doing so the door is opened for us to die his death as well. A death that leads to life everlasting, which is the life of the Trinity. To be a Christian means to believe against all evidence to the contrary that a life poured out for others, a life emptied on behalf the world, does not end in death, but resurrection and the life everlasting. To pour out one’s life unto death is a life worth celebrating. It is how the Trinity invites us all to be family – with God and with each other. Here’s to celebrating the birth of new life.

Happy Birthday, Imogen Noelle Dancause

May We Love As You Love

2011-12-11T04:46:00.000-05:00

Recently a band called The Brilliance came to Mars Hill to lead worship. They were right up my alley - complex, contemplative, and beautiful. One song we sang together had this verse in it:

"Hope for the hopeless, Your love is.
Strength in our weakness, Your love is.
May we love, as You love."
-Open Up

The last line, "May we love, as You love" struck me like a pound of bricks as we sang it that morning - and it has stayed with me. Over the years of being a pastor I have had many people express to me their dislike of liturgy or corporate prayers. Often the complaint is they do not want to repeat words in rote. They feel like what they are saying may not be something they agree with...and even if they agree with it they don't want to be "forced" to repeat something.

Now often these complaints are a bit lost on me...seeing as how I love good liturgy. When well thought out and prayerfully put together, I think expressing our faith together in unison is a beautiful and necessary thing. I can understand the sentiment of those who feel uncomfortable. Yet I would ask you (should you fall into that camp) - how do you feel about singing corporately together? Because this is often where I bristle.

Songs are corporate prayer too - set to music. And too often we sing them mindlessly - not realizing what we are agreeing to - what we are asking for - or what the words imply about the character of God. Just because there is a good tune to a song and the lyrics flow together does not mean it has actually been thoughtfully and prayerfully put together. There are a number of songs that have found their way into churches where the theology behind the lyrics has not been considered closely enough...some of it is thoughtless and others are just down right bad.

Or there are songs like the one I listed above where the theology is fabulous, the words profound...and yet we sing them without thinking about what we are praying.

"May we love, as you love."

These words frighten me - especially in this Advent season. It sounds beautiful, it is a good prayer - but is it something I am prepared to ask for? To love as Jesus loves? Oh my. It made me think twice about the song...

I want to love as Jesus loves. And yet I do not want to love as Jesus loves. I am a confused human being...I would venture we all are. Why would I not want to love as Jesus loves? Isn't that a blasphemous thing to confess on a public blog??? Probably. But we could all use some good blasphemy now and again.

Blasphemous or not, it is a good question: "Why would I not want to love as Jesus loves?" Well, if I am honest most of the time my loving acts are done so that I will be loved in return. I want to feel loved and accepted and cherished - and I want others to feel that way too. I love as I want to be loved...the key thing in that is I want to be loved. I want mutual relationships.

And mutuality is not a bad thing. In fact, it has been healthy for me to begin to build more mutual relationships in my life. I tend to easily fall into the care-taker role. I am often more comfortable when I have something to offer the other person without being in need myself. I have made great strides in moving away from predominantly non-mutual relationships.

But there is more than a care-taker relationship that is going on with Jesus. There is also more than mutuality behind Jesus love. When I actually look at how He loves it scares me to love the same way.

Jesus loves selflessly, sacrificially, and extravagantly. He pours Himself out completely. He leaves all of His power behind to become a helpless, dependent, defenseless baby. The plan could have gone wrong at any moment. Jesus came into the world in dangerous circumstances - and He had to trust people much less competent than Himself. He gave Himself over to us - right from the beginning.

And in the end, He poured out His life for the sake of those who cursed Him, rejected Him, abandoned Him, and crucified Him. There were no guarantees with Jesus' love. Perhaps it could be argued that He loved as He would want to be loved...but the chances are slim that He is ever loved quite so fiercely in return. We give it our best shot...but how can I love as He loved? His love is more pure than I could ever hope for my love to be. His love is given more freely than my love ever is. His love is vulnerable, open, unguarded, uninhibited...

His love is perfect.

And my love is so far from perfect. If I am honest my love is mostly self-motivated, it is highly guarded, and while it is vulnerable, I do my best to make sure it will go well for me. My love more often than not comes with conditions...or at least unspoken terms. I will love you...as long as you love me back...and if you don't love me back I may regret trying to love you.

This is my heart exposed...and it just doesn't measure up to Jesus' heart at all.

I think the closet thing I have ever experienced to loving as Jesus loves is being a parent. I know, I know...so cliche. But truly, this is where I am my most selfless self. And even there I fall miserably short. But with Imogen I simply don't have the demand that she love me back...I just love her. And I will love her no matter what she does. I may not always approve, we will not always get along, we may vehemently disagree (she's not even one yet - so this is all yet to come...) but my love for her is not dependent on her behavior. My love for her is unguarded. I will lay my heart out for her - and I know at some point she will break it. And I am okay with that reality.

This is the closest thing I get to Jesus' love. And it is great that I love Imogen in that way. But Jesus' love is not reserved for just a close intimate circle that he is able to be vulnerable with. His love is for everyone...whether they receive Him or not. Jesus loves all people vulnerably, sacrificially, selflessly, extravagantly. One could say He is indiscriminate with His love...

And this is where singing something like "May we love, as You love" really freaks me out. Because I don't know how to be so secure in the love of Jesus that I could openly love in the face of rejection. I don't know how to be so grounded in Jesus' acceptance of me that I would be able to accept all people - no matter where they are in life or their disposition towards me.

I don't know how to love vulnerably, sacrificially, selflessly, extravagantly...

And while I am not Jesus - so it is not my job to rescue the whole world - I am called to be a witness to this love. Which means I need to know it - for myself. I need to be filled to the brim with it. I need to be overflowing with it - so that I may actually have a fighting chance of loving how Jesus loves.

A love that is full of hope and longing and joy...a love that waits...and love that will keep flowing regardless of how people receive it...a love that will change someone's life should they actually open their heart to receive it.

The truth that I am coming to see as I write this - as I sort out why this line in this song continues to haunt me - this truth is that I cannot love as Jesus loves...not on my own. I can't do that in my own power, because my love is not like Jesus' love. I can only love as Jesus' loves if I actually am full of Jesus' love. I have to love out of His love. Which means I need to receive His love - be built up in it - grow in it. His love needs to define my life.

And perhaps this is why I resist His love - even for myself. Because I know it would fundamentally change me. It would make me more vulnerable, more sacrificial, more selfless, more extravagant with others...and that scares me. It would break down my walls - it would expose me. I hide out of fear. But Jesus' love casts out fear. And without fear then what would I do? Who would I be? Who would actually see me?

There is more to this post...more to be teased out...and this is getting long enough. I see a theme emerging here...and theme that freaks me out. So there will be more to come, I'm sure.

But as I wrap this up I am left wondering how do I need to know Jesus' love more? Where are the places in my life I have not received it? Where are the parts of my heart that are parched and longing to know Him more? And why do I resist this love? Why do I not make more time for it? What would it do to me if I actually did make time for it?

And what would it look like if I actually did love as He loves? What then?

"Hope for the hopeless, Your love is.
Strength in our weakness, Your love is.
May we love, as You love."
-Open Up

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

2011-12-05T16:46:00.000-05:00

I do not claim to be a connoisseur of many things...in fact I would make that claim of only one thing...Christmas music! While humility may rule the day with other areas of my life...in this one thing I am a down-right braggart. I am very, very proud of my Christmas music collection...and since this is the season of giving I want to give you a gift...a list of my top 30 Christmas songs (not in order...that would just be too hard!):

God Rest Ye merry Gentlemen - Barenaked Ladies & Sarah McLaughlin
(Pure.joy.)

All I Want for Christmas is You - Mariah Carey

Litte St. Nick - The Muppets
(You must listen for Animal in the background... genius)

Snowfall - Ingrid Michaelson
(Perfect for a cuddle by the fire).

The First Noel - In Mansions

Silver Bells - Harry Connick Jr.
(It's not Christmas without Harry)

O Come, O Come Emmanuel - Enya

Come Thou Long Expected Jesus - Daniel Renstrom
(Advent needs a shout-out too...)

Mr. Heat Miser - Big Voo Doo Daddies
(so much fun!)

White Christmas - The Drifters

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) - Darlene Love

Joy (to the World) - Oh, Starling
(This rendition embodies the joy of the season for me)

River - Robert Downey Jr.
(yes - that Robert Downey Jr.)

Why Can't It Be Christmas Time All Year - Rosie Thomas

Spotlight on Christmas - Rufus Wainwright

Come on! Let's Boogey to the Elf Dance - Sufjan Stevens
(not only is it a great song - it brilliantly combines the complexities of the season...)

Angels We Have Heard on High - Corey Crowder
(toe-tappin')

Come - Oh, Starling
(you must listen to this)

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - Judy Garland
(from one of my all-time favorite movies - Meet Me In St. Louis)

Ave Maria - Linda Eder

Hallelujah (Light Has Come) - BarlowGirl
(so powerful - so worshipful)

Silent Night - House of Heroes
(seriously - this is a hard song to make hip...they have done it)

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - John Mellencamp

Blue Christmas - Joshua James

Drummer Boy - In Mansions
(I am not normally a fan of this song...but I really like this version)

Fall In Love with Me on Christmas - Josh Kelley

Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town - Bruce Springsteen
(The Boss rocks this song out)

Lonely Without You this Christmas - Mick Jagger & Jennifer Hudson

Winterlove - Parachute

All I Want For Christmas is You - Matt Costa
(different song from Mariah...but still wonderful)

You're welcome.
Merry Christmas.

Horses and Chocolat

2011-11-28T12:09:00.000-05:00

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity,

but of power, love, and self-discipline.

-2 Timothy 1:7

I was away on a retreat a couple of weeks ago (my how time flies!) I went into it feeling wary and a little burdened. Working all week means that I really only get two days where I see Imogen for more than an hour in the morning and an hour at night...and I was going to be gone both of those days. But I had to go for work, and more than that I knew God had something for me.

I won't go into all of the details of the retreat, but there are a few snippets that have really stayed with me. The first has to do with horses. I have a very strange fear of horses...I avoid them at all costs. I know you horse lovers out there are gasping in shock! "How can anyone not like horses???" Well, I don't. They are big and have teeth - a combo that I don't find endearing.

So, when I heard we were going to spend some time with horses I contemplated going for a run instead. But I heard God whisper to me that I was meant to go - He had something to show me. Plus I have been working on this whole, not-being-in-the-grip-of-fear thing - so what better way to tangibly step into that than to go hang out with some horses...

The woman who owned the horse farm brought out four horses - 3 large ones and one little Shetland pony. The three large ones ran around the arena with thundering hooves - the little pony went to the back and chewed on some hay. The woman asked us three questions:
Which one was the leader?
Which one did you like the most?
Which one did you most identify with?

Well, I immediately thought that I was like the Shetland pony - in the back, just hanging out, not trying to keep up with the rest of the pack. Short, stubby, and awkward. That is how I saw myself. And then I heard God say to me, "Really? Is that really who you think you are?" And then they told the story about the blonde horse who led that day. It was her first time taking the leadership role - normally she hung back a bit. They said she was courageous that day. She had been abused before she arrived at the horse farm, and since being in a safe place she slowly had been coming into her own. And that day she was simply glorious - fearless, courageous, uninhibited.

In hearing this I heard God whisper again, "Now that is more like you...can't you see it?" I was shocked - and yet I knew in my heart it was true. God was beginning to show me something new about myself - a new way of seeing myself.

Then later we had to think of a movie character we related to. I immediately think of Rose from In Her Shoes - a shy wall-flower of a woman who eventually comes into her own. But before I could speak I heard God once again, "Really? Is that really how you see yourself?" I was a little annoyed at this point - so I retorted back "Fine then, if you have a better suggestion then let me know." I sat there silently for a few minutes - and then it came.

Vianne from Chocolat. I was surprised, but I knew it was true. She is a strong woman who shows up into a new town and shakes things up. She sees other people well and brings out the best in them. But she is a complicated character, because she doesn't see herself well. She can help others, but she also isolates herself and doesn't know how to let others in. Her journey in the film is one of letting down her guard and letting others invest in her - just as much as she invests in others.

It was my turn to ask God "Really? Is that really how you want em to see myself?" All of the old familiar insecurities rushed in to take their familiar space. They whispered to me:
"How dare you try to think you are better than you really are?"
"Who do you think you are? Special? Worthy? I don't think so."
"This is just you trying to pretend that you're someone else..."
"Just admit that you are small, and insecure, and should blend into the background..."

These voices pop up whenever God is trying to do something new in my life. And the reality is, I believe these voices more often than I believe the voice of God. I assume this is how God sees me - small, insignificant, bothersome...kind of a loser. And ao I have spent a lot of my time trying to be someone who blends into the background.

But recently I have heard God say to me "Enough. Enough of this. It is not getting you anywhere - certainly not the places where I want to lead you. Enough. You are Enough." Even as I write this I feel the familiar voices getting louder "How dare you write that! People are going to roll their eyes and laugh at you...you are not enough...you never will be."

So here I am - caught between two stories. The one I keep trying to fit myself into - where I am small, and easily overlooked and should be hidden away. The one where my insecurities rule the day and define who I am. Or the story God has been writing with my life...which I reluctantly find myself saying yes to.

God's story has led me to marry an amazing man - move across the country to pursue a crazy dream - move back across the country into a crazy situation with challenges beyond my wildest imagination - have a daughter - move to Michigan - jump out of an airplane in New Zealand...the story God is writing with my life is not in line with the story I keep trying to write...

And so I have to choose. Enough is enough already. I can keep resisting and having the same conversation over and over again...or I can let God change the way I see myself - the way I move in the world - the way I say yes to all He has for me. See, fear and timidity, they aren't taking me anywhere worth going...they are holding me back and dragging me down and drowning out the glorious voice of God.

So, enough. I am going to start tuning out the familiar voices that cut me down and keep me small...and I am going to start tuning my ear to God's voice...the voice that continues to reveal and call me out and makes all things new.

I am going to start living as if I am enough and see where it takes me...either way it should be an adventure.

Photo Friday #17 (plus one!)

2011-11-26T07:15:00.001-05:00

So, I confess that I have a draft of an actual written blog post that has been saved for over a week - I just haven't found the time to put the finishing touches on it...I hope to do it today. But until then here are this week's photos - with the extra one from last Friday!

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The view from our hotel room...getting 8 hours of sleep was an amazing gift!

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Kelly and Immy reunited again - such a gift to have someone who loves our family as much as this amazing woman. Kelly, your room is waiting for you...just let us know the paint color!

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Love.Love.Love.

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Team Photo courtesy of Kelly

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Steve insisted that today's photo had to be of me...this is what dinner time at our house looks like.

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Bring on the Christmas cheer!

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Happy Thanksgiving - I think Immy's pants kind of look like a turkey tail...

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Venti water for our little friend Lilah please!

Photo Friday #16 (minus one)

2011-11-18T06:50:00.001-05:00

As promised - double portion! Here is this week's installment minus one - tonight we have a friend coming into town and Steve and I are going on a date! I am sure today's photo will be from that, but I wanted to make sure I got the rest up on time...since that didn't happen last week! Enjoy!

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Nailing our grievances to the cross - Forgiveness is freeing.

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This was my intention coming into the retreat - and these were the words that greeted me when I walked in the door. Again, more on this experience to follow - but it is amazing what happens when we give God some space to speak to our hearts.

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Diaper rash war is on in the Dancause home.

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Bad day...two pairs of tights ruined in one day.

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Just started wearing footie pajamas to bed...so cute, and so big!

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Lots of "air time" in our home while trying to get rid of this diaper rash...

Photo Friday #15

2011-11-18T06:41:00.001-05:00

Okay - I know this is a week late. I was away on a retreat all last weekend, and then this week got away from me. So, lucky you! A double portion of photo Friday this week! Enjoy!

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Nothing signifies the changing of seasons like choice of coffee beverages - clearly I am ready for winter with the choice of hot, and Steve is still clinging to warm weather with his choice of iced

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Pooped.

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Immy started part-time daycare this week. She loved it!

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Cooking casualty...

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The verse I have been meditating on this season of my life...

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First snow.

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Okay, remember that verse two photos ago? This is me living into it...I am terrified of horses (blogpost to come on this) and here is photographic proof that I am beginning to get out of the grip of fear in my life

If the Shoe Fits

2011-11-09T16:18:00.000-05:00

A recent study revealed that 4 out of 10 women buy shoes knowing that they are too small. Why would anyone do this? Well, because there is this crazy notion that feet must be petite - and therefore the smaller the shoe size the more attractive the foot. No one ever said fashion is rational.

I must admit - in the past I have fallen prey to this ridiculous line of thinking. My first year of grad school there was a pair of trendy sneakers I really wanted. I pined for them, but they were outside our budget. When I pulled all A's Steve said I should get them as a reward for my hard work. I thought this was a brilliant idea. I went in and picked out the pair I wanted, but they only had an 8.5, and truth be told I'm anywhere between a 9-10. But I loved them and so I decided they fit good enough...plus that .5 less made me feel better about my feet.

It didn't work out well for me. My toes scrunched, my heels scraped along the back, and by the end of the day I would end up blistered and sore, wondering what on earth possessed me to buy shoes that were too small! Needless to say those shoes would not make it out of the closet very often...but I could look at them and think my feet could fit into a smaller size - if I was simply willing to endure small amounts of torture. Eventually what was intended to be a reward for working hard became a lament for wasting money on a pair of shoes that did not fit. As trendy as they were, I just couldn't cram my foot into them.

Recently, I have been on the hunt for a pair of boots. Since our shopping fast I am slow to purchase. I analyze, research, and wait. I went out shopping for boots three separate times - each time I tried on a number of styles. Each time I was tempted to just settle on a pair, so I wouldn't have to go out again. Each time I almost bought something that was just good enough. It also so happens that each time I tried on the same boot at three different stores in three different colors. By the third time I realized that I probably really liked this particular boot since I kept giving it a go.

As I went to purchase the boot I was tempted to go a size down...the truth is my feet grew after pregnancy. I have been in denial and tried to keep wearing the same cute shoes I wore before my feet stretched...but they are just not the same. But I remembered that I was looking for a long-term commitment - I was in it for the long-haul with these shoes, and I was determined not to make the same mistake. And so I bit the bullet and got the shoes that fit...it was hard to embrace my ever growing feet - but there they are. And the boots look great.

So where am I going with this? Why all this talk about shoes? Well, it has had me thinking about life. I have a confession to make. I am still 5lbs. away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I have started working out again, been watching what I eat, trying to get sleep...but these 5lbs. aren't going anywhere. I have beat myself up about them a number of times. Depending on the week sometimes it is all I can think about. I am so close to pre-pregnancy weight...and yet so far away.

I want to be back to the weight I was before I was pregnant. But the truth is at that point I was the thinnest I had ever been as an adult. I was watching every calorie, practically a vegan, cooking everything myself, working out 6 times a week (sometimes twice a day), and had time to work full-time and be a wife on top of all that. My life was busy and full, but it was manageable to do all of that. It was a particular season in life where that rhythm fit.

I am no longer in that season...and that shoe doesn't fit any longer. I have been frustrated with the change...it has been a hard adjustment. I don't sleep as much as I did before because Immy gets up when she needs to, not when it is convenient for me. I am lucky if I make it to the gym 4 times a week, and I have to do express workouts since I need to get to work at an earlier hour than my previous job. On my days off I would rather see my family than squeeze in an extra time at the gym. Cooking is still part of our regular lives since I have dietary limitations - but I don't cook as much or as often as I did before. I am still intentional about food - but not as much as I was before. Life is just different.

I think too often we try to cram ourselves into seasons that do not fit. We think our life should look a certain way, regardless of reality, and so we pour ourselves into activities, relationships, commitments that just don't quite fit. We stretch ourselves thin, beat ourselves up, and wear ourselves down trying to work around the actual circumstances of our lives. And all we end up with is blistered, battered, cramped souls that give up and hide away in a closet.

So, I am trying to embrace the reality of this season of life. The shape of my life has changed. It has expanded in many ways - and in other ways it has shrunk. Time has to be re-prioritized. My capacity for some things is less than it used to be. I wish that I could be a full-time working mom, a loving wife, a good friend, a healthy person and still find extra time to lose 5lbs. But I can't. And so this season I have to accept these 5 extra travelling companions.

It seems I have a choice - I can obsess over how my life has changed and resist it, or I can wear the shoe that actually fits - and enjoy it.

This season of life doesn't afford me extra gym time or long periods of cooking. But it has been filled with more laughter and delight than I have ever known. I have more love than I could have ever expected. I feel more full than ever before. My cup is overflowing. This is a season of joy...and I can rob myself of it by trying to cram myself into my former life -just like I robbed myself of actually enjoying my trendy sneakers. Or I can relax into it, accept it, embrace it - taking comfort that this is where I am, and it will pass into another season that will bring different opportunities and capacities...

I am committing to only wearing shoes that fit. Hope you will join me.

Photo Friday #14

2011-11-05T10:21:00.000-04:00

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Our house turned into a napping home on Saturday afternoon

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"I'm bootiful!"

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Happy Halloween.

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Immy mastered holding her own bottle this week.

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Check out those teeth...we all worked hard for those.

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Check out Im's new kicks...dressing babies can be so much fun!

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Ran 2.6 miles today...felt pretty good.

Photo Friday #13

2011-10-29T09:02:00.000-04:00

Okay, I know it's Saturday, but Photo Friday just sounds better...enjoy!

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Occupy Grand Rapids

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It has been a long sleepless week between fever, reaction to dairy, and teething...

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A little light reading for work..."Whatever you think is best."

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Immy enjoying her reflection in the slider

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All of us are trying to find relief...

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Guess who's crawling???

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New glasses!

Photo Friday #12

2011-10-22T09:43:00.000-04:00

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Yes, this is my natural hair-do...impressive I know.

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Playing Hide & Seek with Jacques

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Fruit Crisp to kick off fall (gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free but not taste-free!)

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Lost my husband to Nyquil tonight...

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Who says I am a high-maintenance coffee drinker?

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Last time I saw these little ones they were 3 yrs old and 4 months...time flies.

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Kids are fun.

Getting out of the Grip of Busyness

2011-10-18T11:40:00.001-04:00

I was asked to write a post for Next Leadership Association quite a while ago...I admit busyness kept me from getting to it before now. But at least I learned something along the way.

You can read it here:

Getting Out of the Grip of Busyness

Life on Pause

2011-10-17T14:13:00.000-04:00

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness

while I am here in the land of the living.

Wait patiently for the Lord.

Be brave and courageous.

Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

-Psalm 27:13-14

So our house fell through. It is a long story - one which I will not bore you with the details - but all to say, in the end it was not the right fit for us.

We are disappointed. We came right up to the very end of the process - we were ready to call this place home. We had started moving into the house in our minds and our hearts. But we know that it would not have been a good decision to go forward with the deal. So we are back to house hunting...and back to waiting.

I was thinking about the last 6 months...and it feels that though there has been so much change and movement, the feeling I have is being on pause. I feel like I am waiting for life to get settled again - to get into a rhythm. We were hoping to be in our house by the beginning on November...now we don't know when we will even find a house that we want to buy. We have not time-frame any longer...we're just waiting.

I've written a lot about being in a temporary space and the difficulty that comes with that reality. I won't belabor the point - I promise. But part of the discouragement comes with knowing that we're still stuck in the in-between for now. Being here yet not really being here. Now we aren't even sure where our neighborhood will be.

So I am left to wonder - 'what might God have for me in this?' (a common question if you have ever spent some significant time with me...) Why are we in this temporary space? What is God doing in my soul while I wait? What is the opportunity here?

I admit, I am having a hard time answering that question. Mostly because I am impatient to be done with this season...I want to hit play. But being in a pause is a unique thing. I am just getting started in my job...just learning my way. I am still getting to know this town...learning my way around. I am just starting to get to know people...learning my way in. This is a season of exploration - even though it feels like everything is standing still.

Imogen crawled for the first time this past week. She is now a crawler. I know I will have more to say on that soon - but this is a special season. She learned how to clap her hands - and now she does it and delights when we delight in her. She is growing and learning and developing right before my eyes.

Perhaps this is a season to simply be - to exist. I often tell people in a moment of silence before the Lord that we too often expect that we have to fill the moment or God has to fill the moment...we want sound, we want movement. But I explain that often silence is a gift to simply exist in the presence of God. To enjoy God's company, to be thankful for your relationship - to just be together - no expectations, no words, no movement.

Perhaps that is what this pause is about. I am eager to get on with it...that is my typical M.O. But God's timing is always good...it is always better than my timing...even when I really like my timing. Maybe a pause is exactly what my soul needs...and maybe I would have a whole lot more peace in this season if I just sat, rested, and enjoyed the moment...

I'm sure the play button will be pressed soon enough.

Photo Friday #11

2011-10-15T20:27:00.000-04:00

This week was harder to find the time to squeeze photos in...but I did manage to get one each day...though they feel a little less inspired. Also, sorry these are late...we had some bad news with the house yesterday which took up our time...more to come on that soon. Meanwhile, enjoy!

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Nala basking in the unseasonably warm weather.

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Bi-annual detox

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This may be one of the only color photos in the collection -
but you just can't put fall foliage in black & white...

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Tuesday CL Team Lunch

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Immy learned to clap this week!

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I have been on the quest for boots...finally found them, just in time for cooler weather.

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Sometimes options are so clear.

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

2011-10-11T15:35:00.000-04:00

"We often know more - or at least know about - persons on the television more than our next-door neighbors. We share intimate secrets with nameless, faceless, voiceless identities on the World Wide Web."
- Theresa F. Latini, The Church and the Crisis of Community

I read the above passage the same day that Steve Jobs died. Needless to say, it stood out to me in a very different light than had I read it a week before. Being a huge apple fan, I too was sad at seeing such an amazing person leave this world. Hearing his accomplishments on the radio was inspiring and I am so grateful for his mind and his creativity.

It is always sad when someone dies - death isn't meant to be part of the story. And of course I am sad at this passing...lest I seem insensitive. But it does have me wondering. How many of us know more about Steve Jobs than we do our neighbors? How many of us feel more connected to people we have never actually met than the people who we see everyday? I ask these questions because I am guilty of this. The truth of the matter is - I have not been a very good neighbor.

As we prepare to move into a new neighborhood I have been thinking about what it means to be a neighbor. We have always rented our home...so even though we value investing in the place where we live, we have always had a built-in excuse to help us get out of living that value out. We haven't stayed in homes for very long, so we have not really invested the time and energy it takes to know our neighbors.

But we will soon make a much larger investment in our home...not just financially, but also emotionally. Buying means we can't just pick up and leave at the end of the year...at least not easily. It means that we are becoming part of the neighborhood...not just passing by. And so we have to ask what kind of neighbors we want to be.

It's easier to keep it cordial and polite. Neighbors are tricky. See, they can't just pack up and leave with out difficulty as well. So to actually get into each other's lives is risky. Everything could fall apart - and then we still have to see each other...every day. It is a risk to get involved - to get to know one another...really know one another. So most of the time we stay in our own yards and wave as people pass by at a safe distance.

Yet I keep reading about how lonely we all are. We are hungry for connection. We try to satiate this hunger by snacking on cyber connections...and it works for a bit...but the hunger just comes back after a while. And don't get me wrong - I am a huge fan of social networking. I love that I can stay connected to people all over the world - I can see pictures of their kids, their new homes, hear about funny anecdotes from their day. I appreciate that I can maintain my friendships in a more casual manner.

But the truth is these friends are not my neighbors. Some were at one point...but they aren't any more.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn. Proximity matters. When we left Seattle we left an amazing community. They were people we laughed with, celebrated with, traveled with, cried with, and did life with. They were our community - they were our family. And then we left. We knew they were life-long friends...what we didn't know was that they could not remain our community.

Community requires proximity. To be community means you have to be in each other's life at a different level. When we left I didn't realize we would lose our community. It was a shock...and it was a disappointment. It wasn't what any of us wanted...it was just the natural course of things. They are all still dear friends - they always will be - but they are not my neighbors.

So many of us are craving community. We want to be known - we want to know others. Yet we build our lives so that we will not have to encounter anyone around us. We keep our conversations superficial. We keep our schedules packed to the brim. We keep our distance.

And then we find ourselves alone. Busy. Surrounded. But alone.

I don't know about you - but I want more than that. I am realizing that life is short, and I have tasted the beautiful gift of community. It has ruined me. I have been known...not just from a distance, but on a regular basis - day-to-day. And I want more of it. I am scared to be known, and yet I can't ignore that my soul longs for it and no amount of snacking will ever make that longing go away.

So basically I am pondering what I will do here in this new place. Will I take the risks necessary to have community? Will I love my neighbor - and let my neighbor love me? Will I open up? Will I commit to knowing when my neighbor is in need...more so than the latest celebrity? Community is a commitment. It doesn't just happen to us. We have to create it...and to create it means we have to be willing to be the kind of neighbor that cares - that will come out from the safety of the lawn and find common space.

I want to be this neighbor...I believe it is worth the risk.

Photo Friday #10

2011-10-07T17:15:00.000-04:00

Overall a great week. Feeling very grateful. Enjoy!

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Reuniting with Dan...so sweet.

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Exploring paint colors for our new house.

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New extra large whiteboard in my office...gotta love a whiteboard!

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She's a contender.

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Playful moments with Immy after work...priceless.

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Everything in Michigan is cooler...even their water.

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I fit back into my party dress! Good thing I have a reason to wear it tonight. I'm back baby.

Breaking Point

2011-10-06T14:29:00.000-04:00

Imogen has been teething...

for over a week...

which means no one has really been sleeping in our house...

It has been less than awesome.

While she has been teething on and off since about three months this time it is the real deal. The tooth that has been keeping us all up is just below the surface of the gum line...it will break through any day now. Needless to say we can't wait.

Who knew one little tooth could wreak such havoc in our lives. At one point last week, after a long sleepless night, I attempted to make breakfast while Steve and Immy finally got some sleep. It resulted in a burned mess with me almost completely melted down in the middle of the kitchen floor.

(On a side note - why is it that in the midst of sheer exhaustion we don't think to take the path of least resistance and have a bowl of cereal? Apparently, common sense is the first thing to go...)

Anyways, we have all reached our breaking point. Poor Immy is completely our of sorts...sleeping in a pack n' play probably isn't helping the situation. The temporary space we're is small and lacking sound proofing...so if one of us is up we're all up. Which means that though we try to take turns, both Steve and I have had sleepless nights.

In these moments it is easy to fall into the "Woe, Is Me" mode. It's easy to think how much better life was when we could sleep whenever we wanted. It's easy to wish it would all go away - and things would feel simple again. Breaking points don't usually bring out the best in people...definitely not in me in any case.

The other night as I sat rocking Immy as she whimpered in pain I was consumed by these very thoughts...if only I could sleep...if only I didn't have to balance working and parenting...if only, if only, if only...I was tired, and frustrated, and feeling put out. And then I looked down at the life I was holding...and I remembered how she came into the world...and all the fear that came with her birth. I remembered the prayers and the tears. I remembered the miracles and joy. I remembered the relief of bringing her home finally.

I remembered.

And suddenly, though it was 1:30am, and I had reached my breaking point...I was grateful. I was grateful that this little person altered my life. I was grateful that the only concern I really had to face was a tooth. I was grateful that I could hold her and tell her I love her. I remembered that she is a gift...even at 1:30am...even when I have to work the next morning.

I realized that I do not practice gratitude as much as I should. In a culture that is fueled by discontent I am easily sucked into the "Woe, Is Me" mentality. Rather than appreciating all that God has gifted me with...all I see is what I don't have...or the sacrifice I am being asked to make. I forget the blessings and answered prayers and merciful gifts. I forget too often.

And so while I am still praying for sleep and peace in our home (and appreciate your prayers too!) I am trying to slow down enough to remember - and be grateful. Not sweep-it-all-under-the-rug grateful...but overwhelmed-by-the-moment grateful. Real gratitude in the midst of challenging circumstances. Gratitude that can hold the complexity of the sacrifice while remembering the gift.

Imogen never stops teaching me what it means to live my life for Jesus. Her very presence offers me the opportunity to draw closer to God...every day. And for that I am indeed profoundly grateful.

Photo Friday #9

2011-10-01T09:40:00.000-04:00

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Reintroducing dairy to see if Immy can tolerate it now.

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A perfect end to a Sunday...a nice cup of hot chocolate

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Crawling Lessons 101

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TOMS and a cafe...comfort.

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This is how I spend my whole day...driving around in the rain between meeting new people.

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Who would believe this adorable baby has kept her parents up all week with teething pain???

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Errands.

Rooted

2011-09-29T11:52:00.000-04:00

'My roots have grown but I don't know where they are.'

-The Head and The Heart

Rootedness. It is something I long for. It is something I fear. There is a part of me that wants to 'settle down' - ground myself in a place, a people - get rooted. And there is a part of me that resists the idea of putting down roots - of tying myself to one place, one people - closing off possibilities. I like both - I resist both.

Moving to Grand Rapids has brought Steve and I face-to-face with our lack of roots - at least roots in a place. The housing market here is like no other place we have lived...it is cheaper to buy than to rent. We have never really wanted to own a house. We don't feel the need to possess a space - we just want the space we live in to become a home. Renting has never made us feel like we are 'wasting' money - it's just a space after all. It doesn't matter if you own it - it matters if you make it your own.

Well, all that has changed - seeing as how we are moving forward on owning a house. All of my issues with commitment have come flaring up...the fear of getting trapped - of not being able to leave - of settling...not all rational fear I admit. But one of my core values in life is flexibility - essentially the freedom to follow Jesus wherever he would call me to go. That means not bogging myself down with unnecessary things - keeping it simple. While I am not looking to get up and go at any point, I want to be able to do it should God ask me to...and given our track record...

Yet God has opened some pretty incredible doors - and it looks like at the end of October we will be home owners. Crazy. Part of me is so excited. The potential for roots! My parents still live in the home I spent the majority of my childhood in...I know that home. And as you know - I love the idea of home. I get excited about Imogen having a home - a place that she remembers fondly. A place that she will grow up in, a ride a bike outside, and celebrate Christmas and birthdays and life! I love this idea...and yet I also hold loosely to it.

I know I am called here for now...but I don't know that I am called here forever. I don't think I will ever be able to make that commitment to a place...not with Jesus in the picture. So I want to put roots down - but how far should they go? What does it look like to invest in a place versus tying yourself down to it? These are some of the questions I have been pondering as we move closer and closer to purchasing this house...

And then Steve made an off-hand comment the other day...and as is typical with Steve it was unknowingly brilliant. He was talking about all of the places we have lived, all of the people we have known and he said "I feel like our roots are in our relationships, not really in any of the places we have lived." Bingo. He nailed it. We do have roots...they are just harder to see.

When I think about the purpose of roots, they are to bring stability and nourishment. And very often these two things do come from settling down in a particular place. But not for us - our life may look unstable to an outside observer. We move around...a lot. We build loving, healthy, beautiful communities...and then we leave them. And I keep wondering when this will stop. We don't leave because we are afraid, or because we are bored, or because we are looking for more. We leave when we are called to leave. And leaving people we love behind is always painful. Everything changes - even in our best effort to keep it the same. It can't be the same. Proximity matters.

But our roots are in people. When I think about the amazing relationships that I have been blessed with - I feel stable, I feel nourished. Even though these people are literally spread all over the world...they sustain me. It is an intricate weave of roots that make up our life-system...but they are beautiful and cherished. I am rooted...and I will be rooted here as well.

Though the house will help with some of that - the answer to my question about how far to put these roots down here in Grand Rapids - well, it's "dig deep." Invest it all. Give everything you have...just like we always do. It is who we are. Dig deep roots - into the things that matter - relationships. Those roots don't have to tie you down...and you don't have to pull them up when you leave...they stretch and bend and adjust. Grand Rapids will be part of the system that sustains us and nourishes us. There is no need to hold back.

So this is just another part of what it looks like for us to be grounded...not tied down, but tied in. Roots are nothing to fear - I guess you just need to know what system you're dealing with. Through this process I have become more grateful for all of the incredible relationships I have been blessed with up to this point...and hopeful for the new relationships that will nourish, support, and sustain us in this next season.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 3:14-21

Photo Friday #8

2011-09-24T16:29:00.000-04:00

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Sabbath.

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The Shed.

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Team Dancause Game Night

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End DV - everywhere.

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Of course during a week when I have many first introductions I get a huge pimple on my forehead...
flashbacks to being 13 all over again.

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ArtPrize 2011

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Celebrating the gift of friendship with Team Nixon

Get A Grip

2011-09-22T14:48:00.000-04:00

Fear Drives. But Love leads.

- Emily P. Freeman, Grace for The Good Girl

A story. Yesterday I arrived at the gym at 5:45am for a spin class. Yes, you did read that right, 5:45AM - ante meridian - as in morning. I have been trying to go workout super early so I have time in the morning to have breakfast with Steve and Immy before I head into work. Anywhoo - so there I am at the gym...5:45am - which is early even for me, and I like mornings. As I walk towards the door there is the instructor - bright and sunny and ready to go. She greets me and asks what my name is...I'm tired and a bit taken aback...so I mumble my name and make to go into the room.

Well, the instructor follows me in and brightly declares that she has my bike all ready for me - and she is so glad I am in the class. I smile awkwardly and once again mumble a thanks as I set up my bike. Thinking we're done with the "pre-class chatting" I put on my spin shoes and get ready to go...but then the instructor begins to introduce me to the other people in the class...now I am having to mumble awkward greetings to a number of people I don't know. As the class continued this instructor called us by our names and gave us encouragement. Again, and awkward smile to acknowledge her was all I could muster as I sweated and struggled through the rolling hills portion of the workout. As the class ended I had smartened up and realized I wasn't going to just scoot out of the room and quietly head to the locker room. Nope, this instructor came up to me - thanked me for coming to the class - invited me to the class that started at 6:30am that morning - to which I declined - and then expressed how she looks forward to seeing me next week...and I have no doubt that she does.

Okay - so why this story? Some of you may be reading that thinking "Wow - how great! What excellent hospitality that instructor showed." But those who know me well know something that is surprising to many people...I am actually quite shy. I know, it doesn't seem like it would be the case - because you get me in a familiar context and I usually end up doing most of the talking. But in new situations with new people...I am shy...sometimes painfully so.

So while this instructor may have had the best intentions in welcoming me - I left feeling anxious and awkward. I haven't really been able to shake the incident...and again if you've spent much time with me you know I would say if you can't shake it then God is probably trying to tell you something through it. You can ignore it - or you can slow down enough to hear what he may be trying to get at in your heart.

So, I have been trying to slow down. And I don't have complete clarity yet - but one thing I have recognized is that I am afraid. Not just new move jitters afraid - though the move has certainly highlighted my fear. I am afraid - all the time. Starting over in a new job, new city, new everything...well it makes for lost of "first" conversations. Lots of strangers - who will hopefully be friends soon. Some would see these as opportunities...and I know they are...but in my heart I am afraid.

Fear has got a grip on my heart. It is driving me. I hate to admit it, but there it is. Fear has increased my shyness - it has driven me inward - and it has made it so that I am constantly checking the rearview mirror just to make sure everything is okay. All of these new interactions have given me an acute awareness of the fear that is driving my life.

Where does this fear come from? What am I afraid of? These are the things I am beginning to explore. I know some of this fear is a fear of rejection. Steve has become a foundation for me - I can be myself when he is around because I feel safe and secure when he is present. Even if no one else likes me I know he will like me. But this new season of our life has meant we have to do a lot of things away from one another. It is actually the most separate we have been in years in terms of hours spent together in a day. So I now go to the gym alone. I go to work alone. I meet people alone. (Don't worry - we're not having a crisis in marriage! It just comes with the territory). And so I see that I have coped with my fear by making Steve a constant...

But I know this is not fair to him...and it is not necessarily the role he is meant to play for me. He is a constant in that he is a loving and supportive partner in this journey of life, but I need to find my own sense of self-worth outside of him and his direct presence. I have to move past this painful shyness - and begin to face my fears head on.

See I think all of us have some fear that is driving us. And at the root of these fears I would wager is the same Fear "Am I lovable?" We walk around trying to find a place where we feel love - a person who makes us feel loved - we have turned everyone around us into mirrors that we hope reflect back the image we want to see. Fear drives us in many ways - it drives us to hide, or to overcompensate, or to judge, or to gossip, or to addictions...fear drives is forward faster and faster...it steers us around perilous corners and we grip on tighter hoping we will survive.

But Love leads us. It takes us by the hand and guides us. It sets us free. If we could actually rest in the truth that we are loved by the One who made us - that there is nothing we can do to change that fact - and therefore there is nothing that can really make us afraid. Fear loses its hold on us as we allow Love to lead us.

Fear has gotten a grip - but I am hoping that in naming that I can begin to be set free from this grip. I can be lead into freedom by Love. I can find my constant in Someone who is far more constant than even my loving husband. I sense a new season - new challenges - new invitations. Again, this feels like a beginning for me - a kairos moment that will change the trajectory of my life. I know this fear runs deep, and I know that there is no depth that can separate me from Love.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.Romans 8:38-39

Scattered

2011-09-19T11:10:00.000-04:00

A shift in temperature has sent me in a bit of a tailspin this morning. So far we have been adjusting fairly well to all of the change that has come our way. We have found small anchor points that allow us to feel like we have a modicum of control in our lives. We've explored the area when we have had time. We have run a lot of errands trying to get basic things that you don't realize you need until they are in a storage container that you won't see for months...overall we're trying to make this place feel like home.

But today the temperature has dropped a bit and it is rainy outside. The temporary wardrobe that I have been wearing for the last couple of months as we pack up our belongings no longer will cut it...even if I throw on a sweater. I need to shift into cooler weather clothes.

Normally there is both a little sadness and some excitement as the seasons begin to shift. Sad to see summer go - but I love autumn. However this year I am just frazzled. We are in a temporary apartment while we look for a house in Grand Rapids which is a huge blessing in this transition. However, we don't really have many places to put things away...being temporary and lightly furnished. We had some boxes sent to us of clothes and bedding and the like - but we can't really unpack them. So we've done some rummaging to find essentials, while trying to keep them as neat as possible, knowing we will need to move them again in the next couple of months...you probably sense that it's messier than we'd like.

So, trying to find warmer clothes today brought the reality of all this change down on me. Like my clothing, I feel scattered. Pieces here, pieces there. No real place to settle in yet...no sense of why I am here or how I will adjust to being here. Don't get me wrong, I like it here...it's been as smooth of a transition as we've had in all of our moves...but moving is hard. And temporary spaces are hard. You can't really feel at home when you are living out of suitcases and boxes. Knowing that our goal is to leave the place we are living makes it feel like a jacket that is just a little too small. I'm glad for the warmth, but I am ready for home.

I think last week I was in the groove of everything being new...there was an excitement that came with starting my new job. This week I am still loving my new job...I just feel like I haven't fully arrived yet. I am mostly here, but my stuff is not here. It feels temporary, though the goal is to settle in.

The truth is, being so scattered, I don't really know what I am feeling. Overwhelmed. Frightened. Grateful. Excited. Tired. Even my emotional state feels scattered. It is the nature of large transitions...I know this on my good days. But on days like today, when even getting dressed feels like an obstacle, I forget. I forget that the journey here has been both scary and miraculous. I forget that I was so certain this is where I am supposed to be. I forget that I didn't make this change happen.

The one thing that I can remember is that I am not alone in this new place. I have someone who has gone before me. Someone who has traveled many miles with me. Someone who knows every fiber of my being. Someone who loves me, and sees me, and cares for me. This is what can hold me together in a season where nothing is familiar...and even the familiar things feel foreign, as they have no familiar place to put them.

So today I feel scattered. I need to accept it and keep moving forward...picking up pieces where I can...putting away what I am able...gaining familiarity wherever possible. It all takes time...it will come together...

but I can rest knowing that I am in good hands...no matter how far scattered I feel...

Photo Friday #7

2011-09-16T21:55:00.000-04:00

On time this week thanks to finally having internet at home...what a week it has been.

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Family trip to Lake Michigan...and yes, we did go in the water even though it was freezing!

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9.11.11

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Crossing the threshold - first day at Mars Hill.

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Flotsam and Jetsam - a number of packages arrived at work this week...we don't really have any place to put stuff away, so it's scattered here and there throughout the apartment

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Immy back at Mission Control...one thing that arrived this week was the jumparoo. Hallelujah.

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An unexpected drop in temperature...goodbye summer.

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Trying to find a new rhythm for my quiet time in all this transition...glad my Bible arrived this week in one of the packages from CT.

Journey With Me

2011-09-15T10:35:00.000-04:00

'I was a one-line wonder in my own love song...'

The Avett Brothers

I have recently started a new discipline. With the age of digital music I had fallen into the bad habit of hodge-podging my music selection...a little bit of this, a little bit of that. Recently when I was asked who I liked for musicians I had a hard time naming any of the artists I had been listening to. Why? Because I hadn't really gotten to know them...I only knew a song here or there.

So my new discipline is to listen to whole albums. In my bad music habits I forgot what an experience an entire album can be. Not every album lives up to this aspiration - but many do. I have wondered what moved me away from journeying through an album? Why did I become slave to my own playlists? What happens when you merely pick a song or two from each artist - rather than appreciating the work that goes into compiling an album?

As with most things, this recognition of bad music habits has got me thinking about how this might reflect the state of my soul. And as usual, it does. I have not had the capacity to journey with another lately. I haven't finished a book in a very long time - though I have started many. I haven't watched a film - but I can do a 20-45 min TV show. I start things and don't finish them. The state of my soul, just like my music selection, has become hodge-podge.

Part of this can be attributed to the latest addition to our family. Babies make it difficult to give long amounts of time to just about anything. But it is also easy to hide behind this fact of life and not face the choices I have made over the last few years. The truth is, yes a baby makes it harder to take a long journey of any sort, but not impossible. And this hodge-podge way of life began long before Imogen.

Indeed, the root of it comes from a choice to accept the lifestyle of busyness. I slowly let it take over, and soon enough it has contaminated every fiber of my being. I don't do much at a slow pace these days. I rush through everything...reading, showering, cooking, eating, sleeping...I rush and I rush in order to get to the next thing that I also rush through...only to find that my attention span has decreased dramatically. Everything in my life seems to be in starts and stops...bursts of energy followed by catching my breath.

I feel like an addict in some ways..."Hi, my name is Meredith, and my schedule has become unmanageable." I fell into the trap of thinking that I had fallen victim to the pace of my own life..rather than recognizing that I am the author and perfecter of this hectic schedule. It needs to stop - because life is getting away from me.

So, I am slowing down...one practice at a time. I am making new choices. One of those is to listen to albums. I will take the time to journey with these new artists - to appreciate the work of art they have put together for me to enjoy. I will give my soul the space to start at the beginning and get to the end...rather than pulling good bits from the middle. I will enter into the arch of the story and see it through.

I don't want to look back at my life and see a jumbled, hodge-podge mess of a story. I want to live in a way that I can see the story God is writing with my life...and I can appreciate it while I am in the midst of living it. I want to care for my soul in a way that brings me life and joy and rest. There is only once chance to take this journey we call life - and I want every part of it, not just the good bits in the middle. I want my life to be like a great album, not just a couple of one hit wonders.

Hi You've Reached...

2011-09-12T16:52:00.000-04:00

So today was my official first day at Mars Hill. Like I said, I hate first days. I always come off a little awkward and uneasy...mostly because I feel awkward and uneasy.

There is a shift in identity that happens when you start over in a new place. Who I was is not quite who I am...or maybe who I am becoming. There I was confident because I knew what to do, I knew people, and I was known. It was familiar. Here, not so much.

One of the hallmarks of starting over is setting up your voicemail. Anyone who has ever started a new job knows that one of the most daunting things is learning the phone system. It is never as straight-forward as it seems. Today I set up my voicemail. It took me a while to figure out what my extension even was, let alone a password. Buy once I finally got to the right menu I began to record my greeting...

and I had to pause...

I always give my email in my voicemail greeting - because I am not great with voicemail, but I am fairly reliable with email...though that too has gone down in this latest transition. As I gave the email address to reach me with I said the right address...but I thought the wrong one. This new email doesn't fit yet...but the old one isn't mine anymore...

Yet another illustration of what life feels like right now. Who am I? I know I am the same person...but who am I here? What does it look like to be me here? What will I bring to this place? What will this place bring to me? How will I be changed here? How have I already changed simply by being here?

I passed the hurdle of the first full day...I now work here. I now live here. I am here. Yet parts of my heart are still arriving. Soon confidence will be restored...but for now I will fumble forward...awkward and uneasy though the process may be.

Photo Friday #6

2011-09-11T07:02:00.000-04:00

Again, sorry these are late. We are getting internet service at our temporary apartment this week...which will make life much easier. Hope you enjoy!

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Kelly and Immy reunited - precious.

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Our Farewell Sunday at Trinity Church...Love that our nickname lives on!

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Psyching myself up to actually move to MI...Thanks MH Team for the gift!

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Our kitties were housed with a friend here in MI for over a week. They were happy to get back to us...
well, maybe not Immy so much.

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Immy's take on new car shopping

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Our attempt to keep Immy decent after a diaper incident at the store...
you'd think after almost 9 months we would remember to check for spare clothes in the diaper bag.

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Post-bath frolicking

Farewell

2011-09-06T22:01:00.000-04:00

Here is the video of my final sermon at Trinity. I hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me.

Trusting In His Presence

Blessing In Our Wake

2011-09-05T13:43:00.000-04:00

We just landed back in Michigan after a whirlwind weekend in Connecticut. As you know, we had to vacate CT before Irene hit, so we have been in limbo here in MI waiting to finally close the door on this last chapter.

It felt strange to be back after we had left so suddenly. Really it seemed like we had been gone for months, even though it had only been a week. In many ways it felt like we just didn't belong there anymore. It wasn't home. But we needed to go back, we needed to end well.

When God first began to speak to me about having something new for me, He gave me a very clear word about what the end of my time at Trinity should be. I was reading about Jesus washing the disciples feet and it said,

He had loved his disciples during his ministry on earth, and now he loved them to the very end. -John13:1b

When I read those words I felt God whisper to my heart "That is what I am asking you to do here. Love them to the end." So my prayer during my last few months at Trinity was that as we left, we would leave blessing in our wake.

Endings are hard. It is especially hard to end well. Once you know your time is coming to a close in a role or a place or a relationship it is hard to stay engaged. It is hard to always choose the most loving thing...because to be truly loving normally means that you have to sacrifice something. It is hard to stay engaged with endings because they are all about closing up shop. Left to my own devices I simply want to disengage and move on to the next thing. I don't want to do the hard work of ending well...because it seems like a strange place to invest time and energy. Why work so hard for something that is not going to continue?

I have had a lot of endings in my life. We have been called to many new places, which means leaving people and places that we love behind. It is hard to keep investing in something that is going to change dramatically. When a season ends so does the type of relationship you may have had. You have to adjust and start over...even with familiar people. When endings come, nothing can stay the same.

In the midst of so much uncertainty it was hard to keep loving those around me. I confess I don't think I always rose to the occasion. But God challenged my heart to stay engaged - to make the sacrifices that were in front of me - to choose His will over mine. At times I wondered if it was worth all of the effort...but I am so happy to say it was.

Yesterday was my final Sunday with Trinity Church. It was chaotic, as they had just moved from the summer location back to the middle school where they worship for the majority of the year. That first Sunday back is always hectic with unpacking and setting back up and readjusting from one place to the other. It was a familiar chaos...but it wasn't mine. I knew what needed to be done...but it wasn't my work to do anymore. I was a visitor in many ways...a guest.

I was given the honor of preaching for the last time there...and it was such a blessing to me (sermon will be posted tomorrow.) To look out on the people who I have loved for the last three years...who have been a significant part of my story as a pastor. Together we have weathered many storms as a community...so much change in the past three years. I have seen a church be re-birthed. It has been a gift.

So as I prayed about what to say that final Sunday the words God gave me at the beginning of this ending were ringing in my ears..."Love them to the end." And so I did. It was a moment in my life that I will never forget. A loving challenge posed to a community with whom I have traveled many miles. It was a gift to love them. It was a gift to be loved by them.

And so we start off on the next part of our journey. We have no idea what waits for us here in MI...but as I look back at CT I truly believe that we did leave blessing in our wake...it is a beautiful thing to end well.

Photo Friday #5

2011-09-02T22:01:00.000-04:00

Here are this week's photos...on time...just barely.

27/365

See you on the flip side stuff...well, in a few months or so...hope you survived the hurricane!

28/365

T-Nix Home...such a blessing to have friends to welcome us...
and house us for a short time...Seattle peeps, be jealous.

29/365

Lilah showing off her mad coloring skills...I love this little girl.

30/365

iPhone 4...need I say more?

31/365

The corner of my new office...come visit me!

32/365

This was the ridiculousness of my Thursday trying to sync up all these various devices...

33/365

This is what landing in MI looks like...

Photo Friday #4 (one week late)

2011-09-02T21:48:00.000-04:00

So last week our internet was turned off early, and then we had to vacate CT ahead of the hurricane...so all that combined has led to a delay in Photo Friday. So, here are last week's photos...this week's are shortly to follow!

20/365

TD rockin' her 30th...welcome to the club Tiff!

21/365

Battery snafu almost derailed the 365 project...luckily a little rubbing alcohol
and some McGyver know-how resolved the situation

22/365

Steve and Jorge share a moment over dessert

23/365

I have navigated this narrow drive for over three years...thanks Trinity House
for upping my narrow alley and reverse parking driving skills

24/365

Brand new car seat airing out on the kitchen floor post-projectile vomit in the car

25/365

Sermon Prep

26/365

Mohawks and sippy cups are cool...Just ask the Im.

One Foot

2011-09-01T16:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my first day at my new job. It was an orientation day - so lots of paperwork and details and more details after that. I dread first days. Other people love the excitement of the beginning - of everything being new and shiny and fresh. I hate it. I like new adventures for sure...but first days are different. First days mean starting over. First days mean I have no idea what to do. First days leave me feeling lonely...even if I am welcomed with open arms (which I was!)

After my first day I was totally wiped...exhausted beyond what I expected. I came home and wanted to talk about my day...but really was too tired to get to any detail. I wanted to play with Immy - but I kept falling asleep on the floor. By the time we all sat down to dinner I tried to share how I was feeling...and I started to cry because I was so overwhelmed. Again, I didn't have a bad first day...in fact it was a great first day as far as first days go...it's just that it was a first day...so it was hard.

Arriving in Michigan has been one first day after another. Everything is unfamiliar. I don't know where to grocery shop. I don't know my way around. I don't know where my favorite local places are...because I don't even know what my location will be or what places are out there. I am unsettled. Trying to get a grip on all that has changed is so hard.

So my strategy is to take it step-by-step...one foot in front of the other. One of the first things we did was join a gym. It seems like a strange thing to put at the top of the list. But that is something I can do right now. I can find a place to work out, and start doing it. I thrive on rhythm and schedule. I like to know the order of my day. I like to know what I will eat and when. I like plans...I admit it! I am a planner to my core!

So we joined this gym - and I have already been three times this week. It was hard to do...because I don't really even know my way there. And all the classes are new. And it is just different. But my body knows how to spin and lift weights and just move. So, I can start with that. One step towards making this place our new home. Chipping away at the unknown with something that feels familiar gives me a sense of place.

I know that there are still first days ahead of me. And I also know that eventually the first days will pass. They will be replaced by second and third and fourth days until what once felt so unknown becomes routine and understood. It takes time to settle in. It takes putting one foot in front of the other until you have put in enough footsteps to actually feel like you have made some headway on the journey.

This weekend will bring a last day for me...the real last day in CT, the real last day at Trinity, the real last day of that chapter in my life...and come Monday morning we really start making the journey here...one first day at a time.

We're Not in Kansas Anymore...

2011-08-31T19:25:00.000-04:00

You know what they say about the best laid plans...

Well, thanks to Hurricane Irene, our best laid plans were swept away. We had planned to pack up on Saturday, have a party Saturday night, preach Sunday morning, have one last party, and then drive off into the sunset as we made our way to our new home in Michigan...

Instead our stuff was removed from our home on Saturday as everyone prepared for the hurricane. Then it was decided that church was just not going to happen on Sunday, so in light of that we hit the road that same day. It felt rushed and hectic to say the least.

So we headed off into the pouring rain, hoping to beat the storm. It felt disappointing to leave without actually getting to say goodbye. But we had some comfort because the plan was to fly us back this coming weekend so I can preach, we can have that party, and then we can fly back to Michigan. So at least we will get to say a proper goodbye, just not in the order we expected...

Being here in Michigan has been weird to say the least. Arriving sooner than expected was disorienting. At least we have some very good friends here who are hosting us until we get settled in a temporary apartment. It was nice to have familiar, loving faces in a new and unfamiliar place. Picking up and starting over is hard enough - it helps to have people to cheer us on.

Steve and I were driving around Grand Rapids the other day looking at potential neighborhoods, and the more we drove the more distant I got. At one point he asked me if I was doing okay, and I had to choke back tears. It's not that I am not ready to be here, or that I am questioning the decision...it is just so much at once. And I am a person who needs a home...I thrive when I know where I can relax and settle down. Feeling so displaced in a place that I have no real context for has thrown me for a loop. We won't be settled for quite a while, as we are in a temporary apartment while we look for a house to buy. The reality of being in temporary spaces is starting to hit me harder than I expected.

I know that CT is done, but we haven't closed the door yet. I know Michigan has begun, but we haven't fully arrived yet. The in-between poses enormous challenges...and drains a large amount of energy. I know i have to ride it out...I know we will eventually get more and more settled the longer we are here.

But for now we hang in limbo...it feels like a whirlwind to say the least.

Sinking In

2011-08-22T16:42:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I celebrated Communion for the last time at Trinity. Today is our last Monday in CT. The "lasts" that come with a move are beginning. As we drove to a farewell party yesterday the reality that we are moving in less than a week began to sink in.

We have been so tied up in the business of discerning where we were going that we haven't had much time to really think about ending our time here. I think that is a gift, because long goodbyes are hard. The become awkward because every interaction feels like en ending - though nothing is really ending yet.

But now we are in that place where we are actually saying goodbye to people. We are headed out of town, and we won't see some people that we have really connected with before we leave. It feels surreal. I always get this way when goodbyes begin. They don't really hit me - not until we drive away. Part of that is because we are usually the ones leaving - so I tend to stay strong for those around me. Not strong in a walled off sort of way...but strong in a 'trusting that God has the best in-store for us' sort of way.

And this leaving in particular is very strange, because I have never really been super attached to Greenwich. I have always loved the church that I have worked for, and we have made some incredible connections here. But this has never felt like home to me. I have always stood out. It has been a blessing in the role that I am in, but it has made settling in here feel very hard. So, as this season begins to draw to a close I am sad on one hand, and very ready on another. I am ready to find a place that feels a bit more like home.

We have felt like nomads here...just passing through. Yesterday at the party so many people took the time to tell me how I touched there life in one way or another. It was very humbling to me. Often in this role of pastor you can wonder if anything you are doing is making an impact at all. If lives are really changing, if people are rethinking their priorities. One mentor said to me that spiritual growth is the slowest of them all...I believe that. But as our leaving begins to sink in not just for us but also for those around us I think this is a sweet time where we can appreciate all this season has held.

So, we're almost done our last Monday here is CT. This week will fly by with all of the farewell activities going on. The reality that we are moving away will slowly sink in...and on Sunday we will pack up the car and head out...a new adventure awaits!

Photo Friday #3

2011-08-19T19:24:00.000-04:00

13/365
Immy and Grumpa bonding over a beverage

14/365
Jacques is a little freaked out by all the change

15/365
Grandma, Grandma what do you see?

16/365
Team Dancause Skype

17/365
How I cope with sleeping alone for a week

18/365
Exhausted from being a single parent for the week...

19/365
New GPS - prophetic sign?

Great Expectations

2011-08-18T15:47:00.000-04:00

I am three days into being a single mom for the week (Steve is in Michigan looking for a place for us to call home)...and I cannot even begin to tell you how exhausted I am. My hat seriously goes off to single parents. Just the amount of work it takes to get out of the house is astounding...Immy and I have both put ourselves to bed early every night because we are so tired!

The thing that has been most difficult about this week is I had expected it to be different. Since going back to work I have not had much time alone with Imogen. That is hard at times for me - because I feel like I am missing out on so much. So I was looking forward to a week with just the two of us.

But in my imagining this week I didn't really take into account the reality of my life right now. First our house is a disaster with most of our stuff packed up and boxes everywhere. We're in the process of trying to find a new home. And I am still working full-time. This week has been incredibly busy and overwhelming. I haven't had lots of hang out time with Immy - instead I have been running around like a crazy person trying to balance work, home, a move, plus all of the details we have to wrap up on this end. In all, I have been completely overwhelmed.

In my mind I had imagined more play time - less logistics. I struggle with this - expectations that is. Steve has a joke that says the formula for happiness is reality divided by expectations...meaning if you keep your expectations low you'll be much happier. I often tell Steve how negative that is...but right now I am wondering if there is some wisdom in it as well.

As I think about starting over in a new place I have to be careful about expectations. I actually have been so overwhelmed with all the change happening at once I haven't had much time to think about what I expect out of this move...but I know the expectations are there whether I articulate them or not. And I want to be hopeful and open to all God has for me...but I think I need to be a bit more realistic about the challenges that come with this next season.

Finding a place to live, starting a new job, making new friends, even just learning where to grocery shop...it is a lot. And transitions are always harder than we expect. I don't necessarily want to keep my expectations low...rather I think I want to take into account all of the factors that are at play. I trust that God has led us to this new place, and if He has led us here He has something good in-store for us. I want to have eyes to see that...I just don't want to be taken by surprise at the difficulty of the transition.

So, this week has not been what I expected. I am so tired my brain can barely keep my thoughts straight. But it has given me a little window to ask a different question about what is ahead, and what I need to do to prepare for it. Being aware of what expectations I bring to the situation will probably help me navigate the road ahead...

That is if I survive the next few days...

Photo Friday (one day late!)

2011-08-13T08:33:00.000-04:00

So packing got the best of me yesterday, so this is actually on Saturday...but Photo Friday sounds better. Here is the second week of 365 photos!

6/365
House-sitting for the week meant Immy slept in her sleep tent

7/365
Learning to splash in the bathtub

8/365
Enjoying our favorite salad (which we pretty much eat every night) in our back yard

9/365
Packing up my office...very sad. It took over a year before I even had an office,
and many a sacred conversation has occurred here

10/365
Finally saw the new Harry Potter in the theatre...it had been almost a year since we went to the movies!

11/365
Immy and Isaac shared some space and some Sophies...
Immy definitely enjoyed it more than Isaac!

12/365
Went down to the basement yesterday to find everything covered in mildew...
here are the remnants bathing in the sun

Destination Known

2011-08-08T19:44:00.000-04:00

"And once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can't go back to being normal; you can't go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time."
Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

This past week has been a whirlwind to say the least. We spent the previous two weeks at site visits for two different churches. At the beginning of those two weeks we had a pretty clear sense of where we thought we would end up. We knew we needed to pursue both options...but we also knew what we wanted. But we prayed to stay open...though we were pretty sure that God wanted what we wanted. (Notice there is a lot of WE in these thoughts...)

Well, after the visits things got jumbled for us. Where we thought we were going to go we weren't so sure about...and where we were pretty sure that we weren't going to go...well, we started to feel like maybe God had a different plan for us than the one we assumed. We ended up with two job offers on the same day...can you imagine how confused we were???

So we started praying, and praying hard. "God, you need to show us where to go...we just are not sure." I thought it would be subtle, or maybe I would just be left to choose between the two...but no, God showed up in big ways. He made it very clear where He wanted us to go...and it wasn't where we thought we would end up.

So we made a decision...it was a hard decision on one hand, and an easy one on the other. Hard because we had to give up the plan we had formed in our minds...easy because we knew we were stepping into God's plan.

As the week unfolded our decision was confirmed over and over again. While this is not the story I was writing in my own head, it is the story that has been written for me.

Today as I was reflecting on all that has happened I realized that God has the greatest sense of humor. He basically allowed me to have everything I thought I wanted...the location, the people, the job...it was all of it down to a tee. It was exactly the thing I had been asking for...except it didn't feel right. Something just felt like it wouldn't work. And then there was this other opportunity...not anything that I had asked for...in fact the EXACT opposite of what I had asked for...

And I felt God lay them out in front of me this morning and say, "You can absolutely have the story you want to write. It is all here for you. I have made the path straight. It has all of the elements you want. And I will bless you if you choose this...but..." (doesn't there ALWAYS seem to be a 'but' in these conversations with God...maybe it's just me...) "...but...if you would trust me, I have a different story for you. One where you don't know where it is going. It will require much more trust and patience and perseverance...but..." (there's that pesky word again!) "...but...it's worth the risk. Your choice."

Well, I have been following God long enough to know that His story is always better than mine. My story is more comfortable and easier to swallow...but it is also a lot more predictable and it is pretty boring. So, we have stepped onto the narrow path...we are walking in faith.

The destination is known...Grand Rapids, MI...Mars Hill Bible Church...Community Life Pastor...but really the path is still unclear...where this will lead, what this will hold, what God has in store...this is all a mystery. Honestly, I like it better that way...even if it is a bumpier ride...

Photo Friday

2011-08-05T20:26:00.000-04:00

Here is the first installment of my 365 Project - Finding Home:

1/365 - Are we coming or going?

2/365 - Back to Reality...

3/365 - New buddies

4/365 - Pool side Huddle

5/365 - Toasting to my new job!
Community Life Pastor at Mars Hill Bible Church in Grand Rapids, MI

Buyer's Remorse

2011-08-03T13:00:00.000-04:00

I suffer from buyer's remorse...

Well, the truth is I actually suffer from pre-buyer's remorse. What does this look like? Let me give you an example.

When we moved to Seattle we left all of our furniture behind. And I really mean all of it. No bed. No couch. No lamps. Nothing. So, needless to say we needed to buy furniture...and a lot of it. Someone told us about a little store called IKEA...we had never heard of it while in NH. So, we headed on over to IKEA and spent hours and hours looking at various options for furnishing our one bedroom apartment. Dressers, dining room, sofa, beds, desk...you get the picture. We headed to the warehouse and loaded up two dollies full of boxes. We got to the register, and right before it was our turn to check out I began to panic. I turned to Steve and asked, "Do we really need to buy furniture? Can't we wait???" To which he reminded me that we had an completely empty apartment waiting for us at home...and it would stay empty until we bought furniture for it. I considered putting all the boxes back and just leaving...but Steve convinced me that this was a good purchase.

And indeed it was - that furniture lasted us the four years we were in Seattle...and when we left we gave most of it away...so it continues to bless people. But this tends to be my response before a major decision. I do all the work, research, make wise choices, get all set...and then I get scared to pull the trigger...I have anticipated buyer's remorse.

While we have been traveling to various areas of the country, trying to discern where God is sending us, I have already begun to feel this same feeling. While with our best friends I started to tear up and remorse about how hard it is to start all over again. God's grace has been so evident to us in this process...and He is showing us where He is leading us...and yet I am afraid. I am afraid to have to make new friends. I am afraid to find a new place to live. I am afraid to start a new job. I am afraid of all the details that come with leaving and arriving...buyer's remorse is kicking in...or maybe I should call it follower's remorse.

I know that God has initiated this season in my life...I know He is leading us and showing us where He has called us. There have been so many surprises and twists and turns. We are nearing the finish line...and I believe we have been running this leg of the race well...yet as I near making a big decision all I want to do is turn around and put it all back in the warehouse...

But the truth of the matter is, we are moving on...and no matter where we go we have to start over. It is hard, it is scary, it is daunting...but it is what we are called to do right now...it is what following looks like. And I know all that lies ahead is good and worth stepping into...but standing here about to go through the line...I'm feeling the urge to turn around and run the other direction...

But we just keep putting one foot in front of the other and we trust that God will show us the next step...and we will end up exactly where we are meant to be. We've already taken the plunge, we just haven't hit the water yet...

A New Project (365)

2011-08-01T14:43:00.000-04:00

We arrived back home today. It has been hard to wind down and decompress after so much activity these past two weeks. Now we resume the work of waiting for God to reveal the next step.

Today is also August 1...which in the history of Team Dancause has been a significant date. It normally marks beginnings for us. We arrived in Seattle on August 1. I started at Trinity on August 1. And it happens to be our 6 month mark for our anniversary (8.5 years today!)

So, I decided to undertake a new project this year...and August 1 seemed the right day to start. I have to admit I am stealing this idea from several friends...but it's a good idea, so they should see it as a compliment.

I am going to take a picture a day for the next year...to document this year of change. I'll post the pictures here on Friday...we'll call them Photo Fridays. But, since today is the first day...here is the first picture of the year...rather fitting I should say...are we coming or going???

Seeking Home

2011-07-30T01:23:00.000-04:00

Steve and I have been traveling a lot this past week. We brought Immy on our first trip, which was both great and difficult. Great because she was with us...difficult because she was with us. At the end of the trip our flight was cancelled and we had to spend an extra night away from home. Between air port travel, hotel cribs, and simply being off schedule, all we wanted was to get back home.

We finally made it back. But since we were leaving two days later we no sooner unpacked then we had to repack our bags. This time, however, we left Immy at home. When we sat on the Tarmac for two hours before we took off we knew we made the right decision...but when we saw her cry when we skyped today we questioned whether we made the right decision...

And this is the first time I have left her since we brought her home from the hospital. I experienced a long forgotten anxiety as we said goodbye. But I had to remember that she is fine, and she will be fine while we are gone, and it will be sweet to be back together soon.

The strange thing about these trips is they highlight this very strange season we are in. As we travel to new places we feel out of sorts being away from home. And yet we are at these places tying to find where our new home will be. And when we finally arrive back home, we realize that it will only be home for a little while longer...and we need to start packing it up...even if we don't know where home is yet...

So needless to say we are feeling a little homeless right now. Certainly being away from Imogen reminds us that home is more than a place. But when we are without a place to call home we also know that location is part of being at home. Home is not one thing...it is complicated...and so very necessary. I am excited to find out where our new home will be...I am sad as we begin to prepare to leave our current home...ending and starting over are hard work...daunting to say the least.

So for now we wait, and we trust, and we try to embrace the moment...whether it is pointing us towards the new or moving us away from the old...

In every way we are seeking home in this season of life...

Movement

2011-07-22T07:58:00.000-04:00

There is much movement in the Dancause home lately.

Imogen has begun the frustrating work of trying to crawl (frustrating for her that is - as she can't really get anywhere yet!) One day she was just laying there content as can be - happy to just take in the world. The very next day she realized that the world was bigger than her little play mat...and she wanted to explore it, not just take it in.

Steve and I are not thrilled about the movement, to be honest. We know once she is mobile parenthood takes on a whole new meaning. We can't just all sit around and read a book while she plays on her mat. She wants to see this world up close and personal...and while it will be fun to explore it with her - it is also exhausting to keep up!

As usual, Imogen's development mirrors so much else in our lives. We have been sitting here waiting...and waiting...and waiting...

We almost felt like God might have forgotten that He asked us to take this huge leap of faith. Things have been so quiet...not in our hearts, but on every other front. Being in the in-between has been difficult. Then, all of the sudden...movement. One day we are taking in the world...the next we're exploring it.

The movement has come at just the right time...and there seems to be a lot of it. One of my fears was that as a female pastor the options for employment would be too limited for me to really get a job. And even if I did find a job I would probably have to settle for something I didn't love.

Well, God has proven me wrong once again...and shown His faithfulness. He has brought a number of options on the table...and they are all great in their own right. The fear that might have prevented me from stepping out on faith has been met more graciously than I could have imagined.

And so now life feels a little overwhelming and a bit hectic. I'm not one who loves to travel - though I do love to arrive in new places. The logistics of getting from here to there stress me out...and add a baby into the mix and it just gets even harder.

I can empathize with Immy right now...the desire for movement is there...the potential for movement is there...but we're kind of like a baby who is just starting to try to crawl...our legs are moving, our arms are moving...but we're not getting anywhere. This movement gives us hope...but we're still waiting.

Yet I can only stand back in awe of how amazing God is - and how He writes the best stories of our lives if we let Him. I could never have planned this season. Even this timing...as we get down to the last minute to have so much starting to come together all at the same time. I have heard God say again and again that this season is intended to bring glory to His name...and I have trusted that...but now I can see it. To leave our jobs with nothing planned - to step out without a net - to risk everything...and then wait, and wait, and wait...and then at just the right moment, without a second to spare God sweeps in and brings a flurry of activity...well, I wouldn't even dare write that story in my life...left to my own devices I would simply play it safe.

So Team Dancause is on the move. We aren't getting any traction yet, we are still stuck in the same place, but we can see movement on the horizon...we'll get there soon enough...but I imagine that God is no more in a rush to have us start scurrying around as we are with Immy...all in its own time...

I Got You

2011-07-12T06:07:00.000-04:00

5am has become my favorite time of the day. Strange I know, but it is true. See, Immy has been sleeping through the night for a couple of months now (let the Alleluia chorus begin to ring!). It has been wonderful to actually get a long stretch of sleep again - for a while there it felt like the day would never come.

But each morning around 5am Immy begins to stir because she is hungry. So I get up, get her bottle ready, quietly go into the nursery and pick her up, sit in the rocker and feed her. I have been volunteering to do this feeding and actually get excited for it each morning. Why? Well, this quick morning bottle has become some of my favorite time with Immy.

As she gets older she is more active and more curious about her world. While she still wants to be held, she also wants to explore. She is no longer content to just sit in my lap or hang out with my on the couch. She wants to be doing something and looking at something...she wants to move around, and since she can't really do it on her own we have to move around with her. And I love seeing Imogen discover the world - I love that she now pays attention to the cats and smiles when she sees them - I love that she wants to bounce in her jump-a-roo, I love that she wants to look at her play mat and hit the toys with a rattle.

But at 5am all Immy wants to do is snuggle up next to me and get a bottle. She is so sleepy and so sweet - she just melts into my arms and falls asleep on my shoulder. I know these moments are passing away, and I want to get in as many as I possibly can. I love my active little daughter and I love exploring the world with her - but the quiet sleepy 5am moments feed my soul.

This morning as we were having our snuggle time I looked at Immy, so trusting, so sweet, so calm - and I heard God whisper to my heart that He delights in the same moments with me. See I have been a stress case lately. I love change and hate change all at the same time. I love moving - the adventure, the newness, the possibilities...and I hate moving - the packing, the planning, the unknown. Life is quickly changing all around me...and without knowing what direction we are going in I simply feel overwhelmed. We know we have to start wrapping things up (both figuratively and literally!) but we don't know what to take with us and what to leave behind...it is stressful.

But just as I love when Imogen simply rests in my presence - where I can hold her and take in how very amazing she is - I know God wants the same with me. But I am squirmy right now - and all I want to do is look around and find out what is next. I'm in exploration mode - and God is beckoning me to my own 5am time. To simply rest and trust and be nourished in His arms. This is what my soul needs - it is just hard to calm down enough to receive it.

God has been very clear with me lately that I have begun to put my hope and my trust in the wrong things. I have begun to hope in opportunities and places - tangible things. I have started to fixate on outcomes. But God has gently reminded me that while places and opportunities are more tangible, He is more permanent. My hope needs to rest in the fact that He knows me - He made me - He loves me. God knit me together, God knows my thoughts before I think them, God knows the deepest desires of my heart better than I do. And so I can trust Him. Just like I would never shake Immy awake at 5am or drop her or startle her, so God would not do the same to me. God wants me to melt into His arms for awhile and rest in His presence.

I hear God beckoning to my heart - telling me to slow down and to trust Him. I hear Him telling me that I really do not need to be afraid - it will all work out - and the plan is a good one. I hear Him telling me my worry will not do anything to move the process forward because I am not in control of the process. Most of all I hear Him whispering to my heart:

"Don't worry - I got you."

Enduring Faith

2011-07-11T17:50:00.000-04:00

I preached my second to last sermon at Trinity tonight...the next time I preach is my last Sunday...gulp.

It is always amazing when the word you're given to share is the same word your own soul needs to hear...how to endure in times of difficulty and uncertainty...

You can listen in here.

Unbusy

2011-07-09T16:08:00.000-04:00

I have been reading Eugene Peterson's The Pastor: A Memoir for quite some time. Being a new mom, I don't get through books as quickly as I used to. But I think there is also a part of me that is going slow because I want to absorb as much of this book as I possible can. Peterson articulates so much of what is behind my heart as a pastor. He begins his book by speaking of the pastoral life as "a way of life that is in ruins." It has been taken over by business models that look for efficiency, measurable goals, competition, and above all else - busyness. He refers to this as religious entrepreneurship.

I am leading a group this summer designed to help others lead discipleship groups. The people who are participating have been led by me in a discipleship group for the past year - and it has been such an honor to work with the stories of their lives and see how God is speaking to them. So for the summer, rather than using their stories, I am allowing them to work with mine. I am bringing real moments in my life that they can lead me through...what better way to learn?

So this past week I told them about an email that has been sitting in my inbox for weeks. It is about writing for a group I am a part of...and I actually really want to write for them...but I have had absolutely no time to put towards it. So now I am avoiding it...but the truth of the matter is I am dragging it around behind me like dead weight. So we talked about what God might have for me in this situation...

One thing we came to is that my role in the church is to create moments where people can slow down and connect with God. We called these "Mary" moments...as in Mary and Martha. This is something I absolutely love to do. I want people to connect with God on deep levels - to slow down their crazy lives and get some perspective and refreshment.

The problem is I work in a Martha world...just like the rest of us. My time is filled to the brim, and so I squeeze in the preparation for these moments amidst meetings, and phone calls, and emails, etc. The creation of restful moments for others does not come out of rest within my own soul. I am in an environment where rest is not a priority...again, as is the rest of the world.

I think this is part of what Eugene Peterson means when he says the pastoral life is "a way of life in ruins." We have lost the conviction that we are not a business - and so our worth is not measured by our busyness. We have fallen into the same trap as everyone else...the more full our calendars are the more important we are...and the harder we are working.

But I know that working this "hard" is not doing anything for my soul...and it will eventually catch up with me when it comes to the pastoral work I do on behalf of others. Squeezing God into my busy schedule is not helping me one bit.

And when I get busy and overwhelmed I don't have the capacity to do the things I love. Photography falls to the wayside. Writing becomes a chore. Even sermon prep feels tiresome and draining. I stop being someone who I love being...and I become a shell of myself. Busyness is killing me...and I would dare say I am not alone.

So, as I look into this next season of life I want to make some new choices. I don't simply want to assume a new environment will mean any of this will change. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to busyness...I fill my schedule out of fear and anxiety...I am convinced that I am never working hard enough...and I have bought into the notion that pastoral work is supposed to be efficient, productive, and quantifiable. But one very wise mentor said to me that spiritual growth is the slowest growth there is.

God's work in our lives just can't be hurried...and when we are hurried and stressed and overwhelmed...and BUSY we miss out on so much of what God wants to do with us and in us. I feel this. I feel like I am missing out.

So I want to be unbusy.

I know...that sounds crazy! We hear unbusy and we think LAZY! But I don't want to be lazy...I enjoy work. I would go so far as to say I love work. I love the work of being a pastor...but I want work to have a healthy place in my life. To be an outlet...but not to take over my life. I want to work at a leisurely pace - because I believe that is the pace God works within our souls.

We have tried to do fast-food spiritual formation. Swing by the drive-thru for our daily God fix - rather than actually having time for God to minister to our souls. But God is not too busy for us...we are simply too busy for God. I want to change that. I want to invite people into a different way of living...but the only way to do it is to change the pace of my own life.

So, I am praying and pondering about what is next...what it looks like to have more balance...what it means to get in the stream of God's pace rather than the world's pace...

To close I want to share a passage from Peterson's book. I will call this:

A Letter to My Next Church
An excerpt from Eugene Peterson's The Pastor: A Memoir

“I want to be a pastor who prays. I want to be reflective and responsive and relaxed in the presence of God so that I can be reflective and responsive and relaxed in your presence. I can’t do that on the run. It takes a lot of time. I started out doing that with you, but now I feel too crowded.
I want to be a pastor who reads and studies. This culture in which we live squeezes all the God sense out of us. I want to be observant and informed enough to help this congregation understand what we are up against, the temptations of the devil to get us thinking we can all be our own gods. This is subtle stuff. It demands some detachment and perspective. I can’t do this just by trying harder.
I want to be a pastor who has the time to be with you in leisurely, unhurried conversations so that I can understand and be a companion with you as you grow in Christ – your doubts and your difficulties, your desires and your delights. I can’t do that when I am running scared.
I want to be a pastor who leads you in worship, a pastor who brings you before God in receptive obedience, a pastor who preaches sermons that make scripture accessible and present and alive, a pastor who is able to give you a language and imagination that restores in you a sense of dignity as a Christian in your homes and workplaces and gets rid of these debilitating images of being a ‘mere’ layperson.
I want to have time to read a story to [my daughter].
I want to be an unbusy pastor.”

Please, Please Don't Leave Me...

2011-07-08T15:25:00.000-04:00

This morning four ducks landed in our backyard. It was a strange enough occurrence that Steve called me to the window. We have never seen ducks in our yard before - and to have four of them was quite a site. But as we watched them we realized the were crying out to other ducks in the area. They were frantically scurrying around our yard looking for their lost friends.

It turned out they were in our neighbor's yard - which is separated from our yard with a fence. Part of the fence is wooden - so they ducks could only hear one another. But as you get towards our driveway the fence is chain-linked - so the ducks could see one another, but couldn't quite figure out how to get back together. We watched them for quite some time, delighting in the scene.

Eventually they found a small hole which they could squeeze through. Three of them walked through and reunited with the other two ducks, but as the fourth started to go through it hesitated - and soon was in the same predicament the as before - the duck could hear the other ducks, but couldn't figure out how to get to them. After a while Steve and I went out to see if we could help, but the other ducks had moved on - and this little duck was all alone.

We watched it for most of the morning roam our yard and then into other yards in search for its family. The duck could hear them - but couldn't find its way to them. My heart ached for this little guy to find his family...since he isn't roaming the neighborhood anymore, I assume he has been reunited.

As Steve and I talked about the events of the morning we definitely felt like it was a "God" moment. We both could identify with the left behind duck. This little guy could hear where he wanted to go - but couldn't seem to find the path. We both felt a lot like the duck that was left behind...not sure exactly how to get to where we want to be...

Before the duck saga I was struck by this verse in my Bible reading this morning...it seems even more poignant now:

"The Lord will work out his plans for my life -

for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.

Don't abandon me, for you made me."

- Psalm 138:8

In this season of transition and dramatic life change it is easy to feel abandoned. When things look like they are heading one way, and then they start to go in another direction it can feel like I know God's voice, but can't navigate to it. Or else I am walking around, crying out, begging to be reunited...and there is no one to be found. The path seemed clear, and now it is not...I feel for that duck...because I feel like that duck.

Yet I know God has made me and formed me. He loves me and gave me the desires my heart is seeking after. He has laid out a plan for me - and asked me to walk it with faith. I know he won't abandon me - even if I feel like I am wandering around aimlessly right now. I can hear the faint voice of a new calling...but no matter what direction I walk I can't seem to find it clearly.

God is asking me to not be anxious even in the waiting...to trust in his unfailing love. He has comforted me and assured me that I am walking in the right direction - even if that path isn't obvious at this point in time. My job is to just keep walking - and trust that we will be reunited when the time is right. We will know where we are headed soon enough - and once we know a different season of trust will begin. For now I am in this season - and part of trust is to know that I have not been left behind...I am being beckoned to seek.

Tick.Tock.

2011-07-05T18:13:00.000-04:00

You know that feeling when time s.l.o.w.s. down...when you are waiting for something to get started...or end...

I sure do.

It's hard to believe that July is here. We are in the in-between space...we haven't ended...we haven't begun...we're just waiting. There are several options on the table right now - but none have come out as the front-runner yet...we're still waiting to see what God has for us...

If I am not careful I find my soul with it's arms crossed and foot tapping on the ground, checking the time incessantly...not the posture I want to be in while we wait...but it's hard to stay open the longer we wait.

I know this time is a gift...that waiting in the Lord's will makes us stronger, draws us closer, focuses us on the things that are important...it is a time where we can anticipate, rather than worry...it is a time where we can be intentional with those around us, rather than casually letting the time slip away...it is a time where we can rest in God's will knowing this is His calling, not ours.

All of this is what we are trying to embrace. But as August draws near, and we don't have the plan in place I can feel anxiety trying to get a grip on my heart. Each night I crawl into bed and begin my prayer time with the same phrase..."Lord, I come before you tonight anxious and worried about many things..." God is faithful to once again restore his peace to me...but it is a constant struggle.

I know that we didn't place ourselves in this situation...I know that we have discerned God's call in our lives...I know we are being asked to trust and to wait...I know all of this...yet the longer we wait the easier it is to feel the craziness of this situation...

God has not left us hanging completely...we see potential plans in formation...but again, nothing we can hang our hat on...so while we are beginning our "Goodbye Tour" here in Greenwich we don't know where we will be putting roots down next. It's hard to stay present in this time and place while we wait for the next one...

I believe that July will be a month of movement. I hope that we will get a better sense as to where we will end up...but even while I hear the ticking of the clock I will do my best to unfold my arms, calm my foot and let my soul be open to all that God has in-store for us...to see this time for the gift that it is...

And at least we always have Imogen to distract us! Here's a picture from the 4th of July...how can we not feel blessed when we look at her???

AGT

2011-06-27T10:58:00.000-04:00

Steve and I fell in love with the show 'America's Got Talent' last summer. It has once again made it's TV debut this year - and we are once again loving it. Not only is it extremely entertaining...it inspires me. It reminds me why I love working in the church.

See, when I watch this show it gives me a picture of the church. Ordinary people with extraordinary gifts. The people who show up for these auditions are not rich, famous, and privileged. They are people off the street, working normal jobs...they look like you and me (for the most part...) And yet they have an enormous gift that is just waiting for the opportunity to be used.

How does this fit into the church? Well, most of us who make up the church are ordinary people...nothing special to look at. Often when we get together we look like a riff-raff bunch. There are some churches that are more polished than others...but for the most part we are ordinary...

But we each have something extraordinary to contribute - whether we know it or not. In the church we have a place - we belong - and we can use the gifts God has given us. Paul says it like this:

Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many. Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

I love working in the church - because I love seeing people find their place in the body. My job is to find where people fit in - the hidden gems God has put in each person - and help them to live that out in the blessing of community. I know this is an idealistic vision of the church...but a little idealism can go a long way in this age of cynicism.

As I continue to wait on the Lord for what this next season holds...one thing He has done for me is to restore my passion for working in the church. He is reminding me that my call is to love His church - to bring out the best in people - to encourage them to know and use their God-given gifts - to help the body work together for the glory of God. I love seeing people discover who God created them to be...and to enjoy becoming that person more and more.

Christianity - above all things - is about identity. It is about being rooted and grounded in Christ's love for us. It is about removing all the false-selves that keep up from unabashedly loving God - and thus unabashedly loving others. It is about discovering who God calls us to be...regardless of what the world sees. It is about ordinary people becoming extraordinary because they are transformed by God's amazing redemptive love.

This is why I love working in the church...and to give you a little sense of what I see when I work with a congregation, here is an amazing clip from AGT - an ordinary man who washes cars...who is just waiting to be revealed for who he really is...

How Time Flies

2011-06-22T04:53:00.000-04:00

Last week Imogen turned 6 months...my how the time has flown! So, I thought I would give a brief update on how Team Dancause is doing 6 months later!

Imogen continues to thrive. Her early arrival and all the challenges that came with it feel like a distant past...another life-time. She arrived in this world at a whole 4 lbs 2 ounces, and at her lowest got down to 3 lbs. 12 ounces. She has been trying to catch up ever since. Well, she did it...with gusto! At her 4 month check-up she had finally made it onto the actual weight chart in the 10th percentile...this past visit she weighed in at 17 lbs and is now in the 75th percentile! We have a big baby on our hands! She has overcome every obstacle that comes with being a preemie!

Immy has also started on solid foods - which is SO much fun! So far she has experienced rice cereal and sweet potatoes. This week she's moving onto green beans. I love seeing her try new things, the new expressions on her face, the world coming alive to her. It is magical. Every day there is something new that she experiences - and she is beginning to interact and show delight. She smiles when you greet her in the morning...she giggles when you kiss her on her belly...she coos at her toys...and she loves to shake a rattle, as we have learned in the last few days.

Yay for solids!

Other notable Immy milestones: She flew across the country on her first flight to visit her God-parents (Nate&Marcie) in CA, she took her first long road-trip to NH to visit extended family, she is teething like crazy (which means drool everywhere and fingers in the mouth at all times), she can now officially reach the floor in her jumparoo and LOVES to bounce, she grabs for everything, she loves bath-time, she knows how to roll but rarely does it,she sleeps through the night (8-9 hours on average), and she is officially the chillest baby of all time...seriously nothing phases this kid!

Immy's wings on her first flight!

Steve and I got to celebrate our first mother's and father's day by going to a fancy dinner. We spent so many years of our marriage trying to have a date for $5 or less that it was a nice treat to splurge...though a little shocking at how much you can spend on food! But it was worth the cost - because being parents is something to celebrate. We both love Immy more than we ever could have imagined...and we love each other more than we thought possible. This new season of life has been filled with so much joy. My heart could burst with gratitude.

Teething - chewing on her hands after bath-time

I have officially stopped pumping - which was filled with conflicting emotions. I never enjoyed the process, as Immy never learned to nurse. It was a huge drain on my time and energy, especially having to fit pumping in amidst a crazy work schedule. But I felt guilty about putting Imogen on formula, and I dreaded the extra expense...especially since she has to be on the most expensive formula due to her sensitive GI system. I wanted to go as long as I could...and eventually Steve helped me to see reason. he assured me that I had done everything I could - but pumping was beginning to take too big a toll on me and Immy needed her mom more than anything. So, I have weaned - and I am so grateful! I am 5 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight and I love the extra time I have with my family. My energy is back up - and now we are all sleeping through the night!

Loving the jumparoo!

And now we are in the midst of waiting for what the next season will hold. We are still here - knowing we're called to something else, and still not quite sure what it is. God has done some pretty miraculous, surprising, and down-right-funny things in this season of discernment. I am excited to share the whole story once we get a better sense of what the picture looks like. But I know God is in this with us...I know He loves our family and has a great adventure in-store for us.

Shake it like a polaroid picture...

One rhythm we have developed that I particularly love is our bedtime routine with Immy. Each night after her last bottle we bundle her up, sit in her nursery and read from The Jesus Storybook Bible. After the story we all pray together. These evenings are so special to me - because I want Imogen to not only hear about Jesus - but to actually see her parents following Jesus. I don't want to force a relationship with Jesus on her - I want her to see what we have and want it too. I want her to know to her core that she is loved by us - but even more than that, that she is loved and adored by her Creator. I want our faith to inspire faith in her.

Straight chillin'

So, what can I say about these past six months? They have brought new challenges, new callings, new desires in out lives...but more than anything, they have brought a new sense of gratitude, joy, and love. I do not think I have been more content and full than I have since Imogen arrived. She has blessed my life, my faith, my marriage...she has changed me in so many ways. I would say we are all thriving since her arrival...despite being in a season of uncertainty...

Time sure does fly when you are having fun!

Much love to you all -
Mere, Steve, and Immy

What Race Are You Running?

2011-06-14T15:18:00.000-04:00

Just got to co-preach with Brock Morgan, our Pastor for Student Ministries. You can listen to it here.

Also, check out the new Trinity Web site...it rocks.

More later.

~md

Voice

2011-06-06T10:10:00.000-04:00

Imogen has recently discovered her voice, as you can see from the video above. She loves to lay on her play mat and explore the many sounds her voice can make. She is enthralled by it. I find it absolutely delightful. I also find it insightful...

Watching my daughter find her voice makes me think about the process my voice has gone through. Not my actual audible voice, but the voice I use to express my true self. For a very long time my voice remained silent...I was too afraid to speak out or ask for what I wanted. I did not find my own voice delightful, and I feared that others felt the same way. I kept silent.

Then I discovered that I had something to say, and others actually listened. They felt blessed when I used my voice - it wasn't something that primarily hurt or discouraged people...it could be an instrument of blessing. God gave me a voice for a reason.

But somewhere along the way I once again began to silence my own voice. I didn't stop talking, but I started whispering instead. I was still sharing what I wanted, but not loud enough so anyone could actually hear. I felt like if I were to speak at a normal volume it would just be too much...so I toned it down.

But I sense that this next season is a time to bring my voice back up to volume. To trust that it is primarily an instrument of blessing. I get to explore the various pitches it can take - and see what I can actually do. I sense this next season is a time to spread my wings...

I know too many silent women. I know people in general can be silent, but I think women in particular have lost their voice...they have let themselves grow silent. I look at Imogen, and I want more for her than that. I don't want her to lose the sense that her voice is delightful and fun. That expressing herself is a good thing - a welcomed thing. I want her to be strong, and courageous, and vocal! But how can I invite her into these things if I do not choose them for myself...the best way to lead is by example.

So, I am rediscovering my voice...and I am trying to delight in the process. I hope that it is fun and exhilarating...I hope it brings blessing to me and those around me.

Waiting in the Grave

2011-05-28T17:03:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my Bible reading happened to be the story of the raising of Lazarus. I recently led a group through this passage, so I almost skipped it, assuming I didn't need to read it again. How wrong I was. I felt God nudging me to read it - that he had a word for me. Unfortunately, it was not really a word I wanted to hear. This is what stood out to me:

So although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, he stayed where he was for the next two days. - John 11:5-6 (NLT)

When I read this I want to say, "Wait a minute! That doesn't make any sense!" Why would he stay where he was if he loved Lazarus and could make him better? This is a puzzling story - even for those of us who know how it ends. Jesus lets his friend die...why?

But when Jesus heard about it he said, “Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.”

This is all about God's glory being revealed. See, they all knew Jesus could heal Lazarus if he wanted to. He had healed many people - even people born blind, which they held as the greatest miracle. They assumed they knew his power. But no one expected him to be able to reverse death. Lazarus was beyond all human help...no mere mortal could save him. He was dead in the grave four days - his family had been mourning - he was gone. Only divine intervention could change this situation...

So, are you seeing where I might be hearing God's word to me? I felt him say, "Although I love you, I am going to stay where I am for a little longer..." Wait, what??? NO! That was my response. I don't really want to be Lazarus. I'd much rather be one of the ordinary nameless healings. Lazarus stands out, but not in a way that any of us would choose. I don't want to be dead in the grave...literally or metaphorically...and at this point I am assuming this is metaphorically...

So, that same morning I got some disappointing news. And the disappointments keep coming. Things feel like they are falling apart a little bit...the waves are getting larger, and I am getting more distracted. Jesus is harder to see right now...

But I have a feeling that God is using our situation...well, it is more that a feeling. We have already seen people reevaluating their life decisions as they see us step out in faith. I believe that God is going to be revealed through all of this...it just might not be the way I want it to go. I already feel way out on the limb of faith...vulnerable and exposed...I don't really want to be waiting in the grave...but I sense I am headed their...metaphorically of course.

What does that look like? I think part of it is being uncertain for a bit longer. It would be so nice if we could just report back to everyone that God has come through and they have no need to worry...I think God is asking everyone to wait. After all, he can raise the dead...he can get us a job.

But it is hard to be out here waiting. I feel a little foolish...I am starting to question if I am hearing right...but I know in my heart that I am. I know that this is the path we are being called to walk. Part of me wishes I hadn't told anyone...life would be much easier. I would feel a little less exposed...but Steve reminded me that one thing he loves about me best is that I let people into my life...I am transparent, like it or not.

So, here I am, wrapped in graveclothes...waiting for Jesus to show up and let me go...I hope it is sooner than later...but I know there are people standing by us, waiting on the Lord with us...Although he may stay away for a little while, he loves me and will come when the time is right...

Getting Out of the Boat

2011-05-18T12:03:00.000-04:00

This week I have been sitting with the story where Jesus calls Peter out of the boat. Here's the basic context...The disciples have just seen Jesus feed over 5,000 people with only five loaves of bread and two fish...pretty incredible. Jesus goes off to pray by himself after the disciples get into a boat and head to the other side of the water. But that night a huge storm kicks up and they are struggling with large waves and high winds.

Jesus goes to meet them...walking on the water. The see this figure and are terrified, thinking it is a ghost. Jesus tells them not to be a afraid, that it is him and they can take courage. Then Peter calls out to Jesus, "If it really is you, then tell me to come out to you on the water." And Jesus replies, "Yes, come."

So Peter gets out of the boat and amazingly can walk on water too! But as he keeps going he sees the waves around him and gets scared - he cries out for Jesus to save him and of course Jesus does. Once they are back in the boat Jesus says to him, "You have so little faith. Why did you doubt me?' (For the full account you can go here).

So, here is where this story is resonating with me. I can really relate to Peter these days. He knows Jesus' voice, but can't see him clearly. And when he asks him if he should follow, Jesus says yes...and it seems good at first, but then he notices the waves...

After following Jesus for so long in my life, I know his voice. I know when he is calling to me. I know that he is calling me out of the boat in my own life now. But I can't really see him all that clearly. I am walking out on dangerous, unfamiliar ground. And this only works if Jesus is in the mix. I know that if I keep my eyes on Jesus I will be fine...but the waves are so distracting...

When you look at the waves, you feel like you are going to drown. The waves in my life...health insurance, student loan payments, housing, food, new baby, relocation, employment...the list goes on and on. When I take my eyes off Jesus and look at all of the things that could potentially drown me I get scared...I begin to feel like I am sinking...and I cry out for help.

But the thing is Peter wasn't drowning...Jesus didn't call him out of the boat in order to scare him...but to bless him and invite him into a new experience. Jesus was totally in control of the situation...he could handle the waves. Jesus was not concerned with the storm, he only wanted Peter to walk out to him...and Peter was able to do something beyond his own ability when he chose to trust and follow.

In our current situation we know Jesus is calling us...we know we want to follow...and we can see the waves all around us. At moments they feel like they are going to crash into us and sink us...but I have to believe that if Jesus is calling us to walk out to him, he can take care of the waves...

See, once Peter is rescued and back in the boat the whole storm calms down. Jesus could have stopped the waves and then had Peter walk out to him in calm seas...it still would have been pretty miraculous and amazing. But Jesus didn't do it that way. He invited Peter to take a walk of faith in the midst of tumultuous circumstances. And if Peter had just kept his eyes on Jesus he would have made it...waves and all.

So, we are trying to keep our eyes focused. There are so many things that feel like they can take us out...so many unknown circumstances...so many distractions. But I don't think Jesus wants to take away the waves...he wants us to trust him to take care of them while we walk towards him.

So, here we are out of the boat...hopefully we can stay focused...some days are easier than others. But at least I can take comfort that even when Peter gets distracted and begins to sink Jesus is right there to immediately grab his arm and pull him up. We are not in this alone...we just have to keep looking in the right direction...waves and all...

Flying Without a Net

2011-05-16T12:39:00.000-04:00

Steve and I have recently heard the call of Abraham in our lives:

"Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father's family, and go to the land that I will show you."

We have been praying, fasting, and discerning the last month - and through that time we have heard God tell us that our time at Trinity is coming to an end. He has something else out there for us...the only problem is we don't know what it is yet.

God is asking us to walk the path of faith - to follow Him to the land that He will eventually show us. And He has asked us to do this in front of everyone. So this past week I let my co-workers know that God is calling us onward, and we announced it to the church yesterday. People have generally felt shock, then sadness, and finally it makes sense to them.

It is uncomfortable to be in the midst of such a dramatic life change and not be able to assure people that we know what we are doing. We really don't know what God has next...we have a few clues, but nothing concrete. We are exposed in our faith - out there for everyone to see.

Essentially we are flying without a net. All of the things I would normally rely on to make me feel secure during such times of transition have been taken away. All the props that would give me a little comfort are gone...we only have faith that God really is at work in our lives.

I have definitely had moments of terror during all of this - and a number of anxious nights. But mostly I feel liberated. It is always hard to leave something when it is good...which is the situation we are in now. We love our church, and we are loved by them. We have grown so much here and have learned so much. It would be crazy to leave...unless it was from God. But when God comes knocking, I have found it is always worth it to answer.

I feel more myself than I have in a very long time. This is who we are, Steve and I. We are adventurers for Jesus. We don't seek it out, but it is what we were made for. Above anything else, we want to follow. This time it is a little different, because we are being asked to follow before we know where we are going. But this is the path of faith...faith means to trust...and I do trust Him. He has always led us to life - and life in abundance. Not the abundance of the world, but abundance of heart.

When Imogen was in the hospital we had so many people reach out to us - to pray for us, to send us packages, to encourage us - people all over the world became part of our story. At one point I looked at Steve in amazement for how loved we were. And I told him that I felt God gave us a little peek into the harvest of our life. Steve and I have chosen to invest in relationship above all else. This has meant many a wordly sacrifice...and sometimes we have wondered if any of it was worth it. You can't really see your R.O.I. when it comes to relationships...at least not most of the time. So it was a privilege to get a glimpse of what our lives are producing...it helped us to see we have made the right investment, even if it doesn't make sense to the world.

So, we are walking forward in faith...no safety net below us. But we know that God is faithful...we know that He will see us through all of this...and while we not be able to see the land where He is leading us yet, we know it will be good.

Who needs a net anyways???

The Challenge of Leading By Example

2011-05-14T11:23:00.000-04:00

So, Steve and I are in the process of some pretty major life changes (more on that coming soon...) In the midst of everything God has essentially put us out on the limb of faith for all to see. This is not how I would have arranged things...I would have privately waited while God sorted out our lives, and then shared the process in retrospect when it was all tidy and neat and happily ended...

Apparently God has different plans than me...

He has brought us to a place of complete dependence. We've been here before, but never quite like this...never quite so public. I keep joking that it is God's reputation that is on the line now...part of it is a joke at least...the other part is a little comforting because I believe that God is faithful and is always looking for a way to remind us of that...

I am just not so comfortable with being the reminder.

But the truth is, this is the true work of leadership. It is easy to lead by telling everyone what they should be doing. Just like it is easy to tell people how they can learn to ski...without ever having skied in your whole life. Read enough books, learn the technical terms, even be able to demonstrate what they will encounter in theory...send them off to the slopes and then pray they make it down the mountain alive...

This is how most of us lead and how we have been led. We become 'experts' by reading books on leadership, by knowing all the technical terms, being able to quote great minds, and promising to pray for those who are in the midst of major life change.

Or when we do share our experiences they are wrapped up in a perfect package where God looks like the hero...and we don't look so bad either. Hello, I'm a preacher...I am an expert at packaging my life challenges in such a manner. Don't get me wrong...it is good to be able to share some perspective with people...and it is good to have processed your own experience before you use it to enlighten anyone else.

But leading by example is a different challenge. Letting people into the process of trusting God, of having faith, of waiting to see what is next...this is tricky. Because unlike my other stories, I don't know how this one will end. I have faith that it is going in a good, God-driven direction...but I can't guarantee that. I just have to wait and trust and hope. And now I have to do that in front of everyone...yikes!

Already we are seeing the fruit of this process...others hearing the wild call of God in their life. People recognizing that perhaps they have chosen comfort over faith...perhaps they have assumed that God is more interested in maintaining what they have than calling them into something new...and perhaps they have assumed wrong. Answering God's call is scary...it really means we have to take our hands off the steering wheel...while going 100 miles around the corner, and not sure if there really is another set of hands to take over...

Demonstrating faith is uncomfortable...and humbling. Because we are not choosing to be in this place...I think when we do that there is the risk of self-righteousness and arrogance. But when God chooses this for you - the biggest feeling is vulnerability. We look crazy...and in a sense we are crazy. We always have been...despite all the comforts of this world, we continue to follow Jesus wherever He calls us. This is why we have always lived flexibly - we want to be able to hear the call when it comes...and if you bog yourself down with the things of this world, if you get too settled, if you get too comfortable...well, you are more likely to say "No thanks" to God's call than "Count me in!"

But we are saying "Count me in!" And we are waiting to see what that is. And now we are waiting in front of a lot of people...

Or perhaps we are waiting with a lot of people...

Either way, this season of leadership is a whole new experience for us and for those around us...only time will tell what will come of it...but I do trust in the faithfulness of God, and I can't wait to see what He will do next.

"Count us in!"

What a Difference an 'M' Makes

2011-05-04T07:48:00.000-04:00

Steve and I are in the midst of a 21 day detox. We had been planning to do this for awhile, so once I began the process of weaning we figured this would be an ideal time. Well, God has a great sense of humor and decided to plunge us into a season of discernment right along this detox...coincidence? I think not.

As we process what God is up to in our lives we have come to the conclusion that part of what He wants to do is purify our hearts - cleanse us from things that are holding us back or weighing us down. Essentially God wants us to travel a little lighter in the emotional department. He is purging from us emotional baggage that we have accumulated over the years - whether that be with Him, with each other, or others in our lives. It has been eye-opening to see what has cluttered our hearts. The number of nooks and crannies that allow for storing away garbage that should have been thrown out long ago is astounding.

In the midst of this massive heart clean out one thing in particular has risen to the surface for me. And it all comes down to one little letter - the letter 'm'. It is amazing how one letter can schange a whole sentence. Okay, maybe a bit dramatic, but I am on day 10 of only eating vegetable, fruit, and 1/2 cup of brown rice...I need a little license here...

So, what in the world am I talking about? It is about a question that I ask all the time. As I am discerning and seeking the Lord's will in my life I usually think of it in these terms:

"God, what do you want from me?"

Now, let's be clear on my tone. It is not a whiney tone. It is not the tone of obligation. It is not the tone of a victim. No - it is sincere. I honestly want to serve God - for my life to be an offering to Him. I want to live in a way that brings Him glory and is pleasing to Him. I earnestly desire to live my life for Him.

And this is good - the desire to be a faithful servant is a good thing. But God has recently challenged the way I go about seeking faithfulness. He has drawn my attention to that pesky little 'm'...He has asked me to reconsider the question. Instead of asking "God, what do you want from me?" He has invited me to ask:

"God, what do you want for me?"

What a difference an 'm' makes. See, asking what God wants from me assumes that God requires something from me, that I am here simply to fulfill a need of His, and that our relationship is rather utilitarian. Not that there are not times when God is asking something from us...but almost always when God asks something from us it is because He has something for us.

I never realized that I was carrying around this assumption that my faithfulness was all about me doing something for God. There are so many negative associations that fuel that assumption - so I can see why God is seeking to purge it out of my heart. To assume that God only wants something from me - even if I am willing to give it - means that in some ways I see God as the task-master in the sky.

But God inviting me to ask a different question has brought about so much relief and refreshment. God actually has something FOR me...something He can't wait to give me...He is eager to reveal the next thing, which is a good gift. And as is His style, this morning God gave me a great reminder in my Scripture reading:

You parents - if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.

-Matthew 7:9-11 (NLT)

This season of discernment is not so much about seeking out what God wants from me next. It is about waiting and seeking and longing for whatever it is that God has for me. He is the giver of all good gifts - and as I look over my life I am humbled and reminded that it does not make sense apart from the grace of God.

So, God is purging many things from my heart. He is sweeping out the cob webs, turning over the junk drawers, and shining light on the forgotten places. He is cleansing me of all the things that skew my view of His character. He is reminding me that He is a loving, generous, gracious, merciful God who desires to bless His children. And just as I don't look at Imogen and expect something from her...neither does God look at me, His precious daughter, and expect the same. I delight to give Imogen gifts that make her happy and bring her joy. Why would I expect God to be different than that?

So, God is getting rid of that pesky 'm' in this season. I am excited to see what it is that God has for me - the new adventure that awaits, the good gift that is waiting to be revealed. What a difference an 'm' makes.

Palm Sunday

2011-04-27T09:24:00.000-04:00

It's late in coming...but here is my most recent sermon. I hadn't preached since August due to Immy's early arrival and some pregnancy complications...so it was good to get back to what I love doing. You can listen to it here.

House-slippers and Husbands

2011-04-25T15:20:00.000-04:00

Six years ago Steve mentioned that he was going to swing by Target to pick up some house-slippers. Needing some slippers myself I asked him to pick me up some too...little did I know that was a fateful day.

Steve arrived home after his Target trip and presented me with a pair of fuzzy leopard spotted slippers. They were not what I was expecting...when I put them on I told him they made me look like I had paws instead of feet.

His reply: "When I saw them I thought of you."

I wore those slippers almost daily for over six years. At first I felt completely ridiculous in them...but my feet were cold and they were the only slippers I had. Then they grew on me. And after a few years I didn't even think twice about greeting people for the first time in my leopard spotted slippers. They became a regular part of my wardrobe.

What I love about my husband is that he knows me so well. I mean he really gets me...more than anyone on the face of the planet. Besides Jesus there is no one who knows me like Steve. I think he knows me better than I know myself. I never would have picked out fuzzy leopard spotted slippers for myself.

In fact, my leopard slippers recently came to a timely end...the soles had worn straight through and there were holes all along the sides...they were threadbare. So, I picked out a new pair for myself...they were grey and flannel...and they were terrible. Some one even commented on them, saying they missed my leopard ones - the grey ones were just not the same.

Left to my own devices I tone myself down. I try to make myself smaller, more palpable. I don't tend to celebrate the quirky parts of myself...I sometimes wish I was just a little more plain...life would be much easier. But Steve loves that I am loud and exuberant...rather than tone me down he draws me out. He never makes me feel like I am too much. The things I would criticize about myself he adores. I am blessed to have such a wonderful husband.

It has been a joy to watch Steve become a father these past four months. I love how tender he is with Imogen, how he dotes on her, how he interacts with her. I have seen a whole new side of him...I get to watch the love he pours out on me also be poured out on someone else. I love when Imogen smiles at her dad...I can't wait for her to hear his silly songs, play his crazy games, and have conversations about random topics. I know that he will not ask her to tone herself down or be less...he will draw her out as well.

He is an amazing man...an amazing husband...and an amazing father. I am so grateful that he is my traveling companion through this life.

So after my poor slipper choice Steve decided he needed to intervene...I knew he had something up his sleeve as he ordered another pair of slippers of Amazon with a mischievous smile. When they arrived he nearly jumped for joy. He opened the box and walked in with the new slippers behind his back...

and he presented me with a pair of pink fur-lined crocs. Once again, he thought of me when he saw them...he sees me as no one else does...and he delights in it. And then we discovered a pair of pink bunny slippers in Immy's clothes...our slippers matched. I know that we will both be celebrated for who God created us to be by this incredible husband of mine...such a gift.

Capacity

2011-04-22T13:52:00.000-04:00

From the silence on this blog you can probably gather that these last few weeks have been pretty busy. In fact I have felt maxed out. There have been so many thoughts that I have wanted to share on this blog...I just haven't found the time or energy to make it happen. This has been a season where I have had to live in the stream of grace...

One important lesson I have learned is that I often allow insecurity to drive many of my decisions. I have overcommitted on several occasions, because I don't want to appear under-committed. The fear of not keeping up has gotten me in over my head a few times. I have had to come face-to-face with my bad working habits...where I once would classify my job as 'flexible' I now have come to see that in fact it is just pervasive. I talk a good game about boundaries in ministry...but I must confess that I have not practiced what I preach. I am working on that.

The truth of the matter is I miss writing, it is good for my soul to get out my thoughts. So, I know I need to make more time for this. You'll be seeing more posts over the next few days...there is so much swirling in my head. I also know that I cannot operate the same ways I did in the past. I need to find balance - for myself, for my husband, for my daughter...and for those I serve. A maxed out pastor is not good for anyone. There is always work to be done...there is always another project to get started on...there is always another person in need. I love all of these things - but rest is not an option with God. When I allow insecurity to dictate my schedule I end up operating out of my own strength...which really is not all that useful when it comes down to it.

So, this maxed out pastor is kicking her feet up today, trying to find some rest, and hopefully get things a little more balanced. I am grateful for barometers in my life, such as this blog, that show me when my life is out of balance. I need to work when it is time to work, and I need to allow the other things in my life that bring me joy to have their place as well.

This is My Body...

2011-03-24T13:01:00.000-04:00

We are in the season of Lent - for those who follow the Christian Liturgical Year. I love Lent...it is a season of reflection and introspection. I need seasons like these...because I usually move at a pace that is not conducive to such things. I need times that remind me to slow down - take notice - keep watch. Lent prepares our heart so that we might reflect on and receive the willing sacrifice that Jesus made for us.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a liturgical junky...I can't get enough. It speaks to my soul. This is especially true when it comes to communion. I love communion. I especially love to celebrate communion. The gift of grace it invites us into...it stirs my soul. Christ's body offered for us, so that we might go free. So that we might have life.

"This is my body, broken for you..."

This Lent I have not been as introspective as I would like. This season of life makes that much more challenging. We are moving at a pace not set by us...but by the needs of our newest family member. I don't have the same time for reflection this year that I have in years past. But I have been thinking on what it means that Christ offers us His body...that He bears the wounds that give us life.

I admit 3 months post-pregnancy has left me feeling a bit discouraged and a little depressed. My body is not responding the way I had hoped it would. I have saggy places that I never had before. My jeans are tighter than they used to be. I can't wear the styles I did before I was pregnant. I am in baggier, frumpier clothes than are to my taste. There are days where I simply want to cry (and let's be honest - I usually do) because I hate the way clothes look on me right now. I want to feel good and proud that I gave birth...but most days I simply feel frumpy, saggy, and discouraged.

I guess as usual this gives me perspective on my faith. My sacrifice is no where near Jesus'...it's not even a rational thing to compare them...but I'm a new mom, so we'll give me a pass on rational. In many ways my body has been broken...it has been given as a sacrifice, so that Imogen can have life. And my stomach, my thighs, and many other parts bear witness to this. My body has been dramatically altered...

And in many ways it is a willing sacrifice. As I have said before, I would give up a flat stomach for Imogen...but the truth is I miss my flat stomach. I miss feeling good about my body...I miss fitting into my clothes. I know it takes time to get back to where I was...but I am not always able to hold that perspective. There are days where I just want to curl up and cry (again - it usually comes to this) because I miss what I used to be.

And then there is Jesus - who gives himself over to suffering and death...freely. And He is risen with the marks still there...signs of His body broken for me. The marks are robbed of their power of death...but they are still there. He has been altered. And through His wounds, I have been altered.

As I lament over my inability to button my skinny jeans, I am humbled that my Savior willingly bears the wounds that should have been mine. I want to have the same heart as Him...I see how very short I fall. In the beginning it was fine to bear the marks of childbirth...but the farther away I get from it the more I want to go back to the way it was before. I want them both...Imogen and my unbroken body. I want life with limited or preferably no cost at all.

So, for Lent this year I have a tangible reminder of what it means that another has given up their freedom so that I may be set free. I see how very far I am from selfless love - and how desperately I need it. I am more grateful for the physical marks my Savior bears on my behalf.

This is His body broken for me...

Lord, help me to remember.

Lifting Fog

2011-03-22T14:57:00.000-04:00

Some of you have wondered where I have gone...in many ways I wondered that myself. These last few weeks of balancing working and parenting have been demanding...but more than anything they have been exhausting.

I have to continually remind myself that this is only for a season...parenthood is permanent, but this particular phase will soon pass. And truth be told, the lifting of the fog has slowly begun.

I knew that sleeplessness came with parenthood - but the type of exhaustion is like nothing I have ever experienced. It is not like the eye-blurring weariness that comes from a few late nights or a long week of final exams. That type of exhaustion hurts like mad - and all you can do is give in or you'll pass out in public places. It is not the weariness that comes from working out hard or a long week of work or physical labor. That too requires rest, and soon you're right as rain.

No this exhaustion becomes a constant companion. The dull ache of constant lack of sleep...it seeps into your bones...and soon you can't remember what it was like to get a good night's sleep. It is a long forgotten memory...forgotten along with your name, any serious appointments you have, or whether you ate breakfast or not.

The other day we were so tired I fell asleep in the car while Steve drove me into the office, and having arrived a little early he parked and fell asleep himself...all three members of our family were passed out and practically drooling when a co-worker stumbled upon us in the parking lot...

But Imogen has hit 7 weeks out of her due date and is nearing 10lbs...this is a magical combination. She has started going longer stretches at night...and while we're not really at 'sleeping through the night' we are also leaving the 'up every 2-3 hour phase.' And Steve and I realized that Immy's early arrival made it so that we lived in that stage for over three months...much longer than usual. We're still bone-tired but knowing we are starting to turn a corner is lifting our spirits.

This is a phase...it will pass. Part of me can't wait for that. I can't wait to not snooze my alarm for over an hour simply because I cannot peel myself out of the bed. I can't wait until I can contemplate a workout longer than 20 minutes - because I am simply too tired to have my body move for any longer than that. I can't wait until I feel like my thoughts don't get jumbled half way through and I forget where I started and where I was planning to end when I started talking...

But I also know that this time with Immy is so precious. She has just started to smile and coo. We are watching her wake up to the world. The other day we put her on her playmat - and she started kicking her feet for the first time. Everything is new and delightful with her. I am amazed as I watch her make new connections... I fall in lover with her more and more each day. And I never feel like I have enough time with her. My days off fly by - my work days are longer than I had expected...I miss her terribly throughout the day.

This season is challenging...it is exhausting...and it is precious. All of this is a gift - I feel my soul expanding regularly. Every day brings a new challenge...and a new gift. The fog is lifting...in many ways I am so grateful...and in others I feel it slipping through my hands...

I guess this is what parenthood is all about...

Crossing the Threshold

2011-03-10T10:02:00.000-05:00

They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...I have learned that this is true - but even after the single step there are still the thousand miles that need the be traveled...

Heading back to work has certainly been a mixed bag - it feels like a journey of a thousand miles in many ways. I was out of sorts the whole day before - just knowing that the next day would bring the first step. On Monday I cried all morning - the thought of being away from Immy for such a long period of time was heartbreaking. But I got dressed, packed up my stuff, and headed into the office. I began the journey.

It was strange going back - being in a familiar place that felt so foreign. In many ways it felt like the first day of a new job...you know there is much to do, you just don't know how to get started on it. My co-workers were gracious and kind - welcoming me with open arms - which definitely helped ease me back in.

The truth is the first day was hard - but not as hard as I thought it would be. Once I started sorting out my inbox I was distracted enough not to feel too sad. By the end of the day I realized that I had survived my first day as a working mom without too much to tell.

But I have also realized that the following days were much harder than I expected. See the first day is the crossing of a threshold - the beginning of a new chapter - the single step. There is fear and anticipation mixed together...the knowledge that something significant is about to happen - the journey is about to start. We often assume that all we need to do is survive the crossing over and we'll be fine. But the truth is while the anticipation of crossing the threshold can be agonizing - the single step is not that hard. Most times it feels anti-climactic.

What is really challenging is the reality that the journey doesn't end after a single step...it keeps going - there are still the thousands of miles. And the steps that follow are harder because they are not so loaded...in fact they become ordinary and mundane...they are the new way of life. The transition into these moments is fraught with many emotions...but most of us can survive one step. But to keep walking - this takes a different strength.

It's not that I am not happy to be back at work...I have had many moments that remind me how much I love this church and my role in it. But what has been hard is realizing there is no going back - this is not just a temporary change. My journey is drastically different. I will always need to find a balance as a mom and a pastor. After the first step of beginning the thousand mile journey of being a working mom I realize that I will have to keep going - keep trying to figure this out. Each Monday is a new beginning...of a journey I have already begun. The normalcy of having to leave Immy and head into the office...it's hard to come to grips with.

But I guess this is again where faith helps carry me. I have to trust that God has put me exactly where I need to be. His grace will help me along the journey - he will provide all I need. It may feel like foreign territory - the way I have always done things has completely changed - but I am grounded by God's continual faithfulness...

See, if I look at the thousands of miles I just get overwhelmed...I don't know what they will hold. There is so much unknown...as with any worthy adventure. But I have a constant - a companion who will never leave me or forsake me. I don't travel alone. This is my comfort.

So, I have crossed the threshold - I have started the journey. There are many more steps that will be taken - and what they hold I have no idea...some days will be joyful, others will be painful...but I am not alone, no matter how far I have to walk...

Assuming Identity

2011-02-26T10:45:00.000-05:00

Do not be overrighteous,

neither be overwise—

why destroy yourself?

Do not be overwicked,

and do not be a fool—

why die before your time?

It is good to grasp the one

and not let go of the other.

Whoever fears God will avoid all extremes.

-Ecclesiastes 7:16-18

Becoming a parent has forced me to look into a mirror and see many of the assumptions/negative associations that have creeped into the way I see the world. This is particularly true about motherhood. Before Imogen I never saw myself as the maternal type. I have never been good with children or longed to have a baby. For a long time Steve and I weren't sure we even wanted to have children.

To be honest, I saw motherhood as a weakness. I am not proud of this - but I confess it is true. This is especially true when it comes to my work. As a female pastor I have worked hard to hang in there with the boys. I want to be seen as an equal - one who can keep up. I never wanted to be seen as different, because too often in the realm of ministry "different" actually means "less than." I have wanted to be taken seriously as a pastor - not just relegated to the realms that men see as beneath them or less important. It is not an easy field for women...it's one of the few where there are entire organizations that refuse to hire women outright.

I have never wanted to downplay the fact that I am a woman - but I also haven't highlighted. I am proud of the work I do - I feel called to be a minister...and the truth of the matter is I am good at it. I love being a pastor. And I have shied away from anything that might make me look 'less than' in the eyes of those around me. This has made me see motherhood as a potential weakness...something that would diminish my standings. Motherhood felt like it would disqualify me from ministry, because if we are honest many in the church have particular standards when it comes to how a family is organized. Being a minister and mom at the same time is often frowned upon.

I have assumed that motherhood would make me appear weak - and therefore I have looked at motherhood as something that is not a value. This obviously has changed with the reality of becoming a mother. I now know that it is a great enhancement to every part of my life. It makes me a better wife, a better friend, and a better pastor. It is not at odds with the work I do. But it is different. For so long I have wanted to 'keep up with the boys.' I have wanted to be seen as the same...one who can hold my own. And before Imogen came along I assumed that I could be a mother on the side and still keep work at the center...

Well, I have different ideas now that my reality has changed. I don't want to keep up with the boys if it means compartmentalizing my life. If the only way I can be taken seriously is to compete to get ahead, put work before my family all in the name of providing for them a better life...well, I'm not really interested in that game anymore. Don't get me wrong...I value work. I want to work hard and do a good job at all I put my hands to. I want to contribute to any organization I am privileged to work for...I don't want a free pass just because I am a mom.

However, I also don't want to buy into the cultural game that says a person's value is based on what how much they give up for work. I am not really interested in getting ahead at all costs. I don't really need to weigh my worth on how much I can sacrifice in order to be recognized.

If Imogen had come along even two years ago I would not be able to say this. I was too insecure in my role and my ability to be a pastor. I was too caught up in trying to keep up. Motherhood does change the game...like it or not. And being a mother is different from being a father...I have the scars to prove it. These roles are different...both important, both valuable, bot necessary...yet different. So my experience as a working mother is different than the experience of a working father...not better, not worse...just different. When I was younger I would not have been able to admit this...it would have felt like saying I was 'less than' - that I couldn't hack it. I'm not so concerned with that these days.

I realize that I have assumed that motherhood is not valuable...and I believe a lot of this is reinforced by our culture. We value that which produces money...and prioritizing family does not make much money. We have bought into the lie that it is worth it to make money in order to "provide" financially for our families...all the while never having time to actually spend with them. We have been told that long hours and extra projects and bigger commitments at work will make us more valuable. Parenthood will only slow us down...and therefore we are less valued.

I know that I experience this in a unique way as a working woman. I also know that many men feel similarly...they might even have less room to ruminate on how their identity as a father threatens their identity as a valued employee...I know Steve has struggled with this...but that is his story to tell. Mine is about embracing the gift of motherhood. I need to look at the assumptions I have bought into - that being a mother will diminish my ability to be a pastor - and I need to repent of many things that come with this. I have undervalued the role of motherhood...therefore I have undervalued mothers. I have believed that my worth is based on what I can produce...rather than the truth which is my worth is based on who God says I am...regardless of my productivity. I also need to face the idol that work has become in my life...I allow it to determine my identity above much more important things.

So, I am assuming a new identity...working mother. And while these two things feel like they are at odds with one another - they don't have to be. It may mean that I don't look like i can keep up with the boys any longer...and perhaps I can't. But the difference is I am choosing this...I will continue to work hard, to produce good work, to value my role as a pastor...but I don't want to hide that I am a mother, and I don't want to put it on the back burner for fear that I look weak. I need to figure out new rhythms - new ways of doing things. I need to set up appropriate boundaries - even if they mean falling behind a bit.

I am blessed to be a mother...it is a gift. I hope that I can learn to embody that in such a way that I don't fear how it makes me look to those around me. I will not pursue my career at all costs...the cost is much too high. It means I will have to trust that God has gifted me as a pastor and called me to be a parent...and these will have to co-exist in a way that brings harmony and joy into my life. Striving to keep up in a race that is not from God is foolish. Career has its place...and it is important, but it is not the most important thing. I may be different, but I am not less than those around me. I have to believe this first...and hopefully the rest will follow.

Finding Balance

2011-02-24T18:48:00.000-05:00

A wise woman once said to me:

"You can have it all...you just can't have it all at once."

I have been meditating on these words as I prepare to head back to work on Monday. I now in a position where I have to balance work and family in a whole new way. When it was just Steve and I (plus two cats) we were able to blend work and home easily...since we both worked in the same place. It didn't matter if work involved long hours - at least we were in the office together. Unfortunately, those days are gone. Now Steve will be staying home as the primary care-giver and I will be working full-time. Long hours will mean being away from my family...and that is something I am not looking forward to.

See, our culture does not do balance well. We have placed work and family at odds with one another - forcing people to walk a tight rope that is heavily weighted on one side. We have to compartmentalize our lives for the sake of professionalism. And I do understand this to come extent. It is not easy to get anything done with a baby around...they are all consuming when it comes to time and energy. There needs to be some separation between work and home - just for the sake of sanity and productivity.

But sadly we have made it so that these two areas of life have no business with each other. And this is tragic, because the truth is we were made for both of these things. We were made to work - whether that be for a paycheck or not. We are designed to contribute to the world - to put our time and energy into something we create. Work is not something that is foreign to us...this is why people who are unemployed for a long period of time usually struggle with depression, frustration etc. We are designed to be fruitful.

But we are also designed for family. Family does not always look like husband, wife, and children. Family comes in all shapes and sizes. We need deep, meaningful, and consistent relationships in our lives. We need people to debrief our day with. We need people to laugh, and play, and sing, and cry, and share a meal with. We are meant to do life together.

We need both work and family. However, these two things tend compete with one another rather than compliment. In fact we often see the encroachment of any family need into work as unprofessional. When at work we should act as if our family does not exist...the needs and responsibilities that come along with family have no business in the realm of business. There is no room for sick kids, or visiting relatives, or quality family time when at work. However we don't treat business the same way when it comes to family. We just take a peek at our email while out to dinner - we take a quick phone call - we let a work related issue steal our peace and take us from our family.

The truth is these things can't really be separated...and I don't believe they were ever meant to be. At least not the way that we do it now. How many of us feel that we don't get enough quality time with our families? How many of us feel that we can never finish work...no matter how hard we try there is always something left outstanding that still nags at us for attention? We have taken two things that are meant to feed our soul and bring us joy - and we have made them into competing realms that steal our peace and cause anxiety.

I am fortunate in that I work in a field that is a bit more flexible when it comes to my work schedule. I don't sit behind a desk from 9am to 5pm. But with flexibility comes the problem of flexible boundaries. Work happens at all hours of the day for me. However, I probably have one of the best shots at finding some sort of balance between work and family. Ministry is not something I do in the office...it is who I am. I of course will need times away from home where I can be productive. There are meetings, and emails, and phone calls that all need to be attended to...and bringing a baby along to these is probably not wise.

But I want Imogen to participate in the work that I do...because I have made the choice to do work that is not separate from the rest of my life. Ministry is who I am...my work matters on a very large scale to me. And I want my daughter to see that. I want her to work beside me. I want my work to make a difference in her life. I want work and family to blend together - because my work is far more than a paycheck to me. It is a way of life...and it will affect her whether she likes it or not.

The truth is no matter what type of work we do - it affects our family whether they like it or not. How our work leaves us at the end of the day, the amount of free-time we are left with, if it brings us joy or not, if we get compensated well or not...work affects our families. Therefore we need to choose our work wisely.

I have chosen this line of work because I am wired in such a way that I would rather do meaningful work for little pay than make gobs of money doing something that does not feed my soul. Imogen will not grow up with all of the latest gadgets, or expensive vacations, or a big home...my line of work does not afford these things. This is a choice that we have made. But she will see her mother working in a field where there are very few women. She will see her parents ministering alongside one another - regardless of whether we both get paid. These are the choices we have made in regards to work, and I hope they bless her.

I wish that we lived in a culture that could embrace the need for both work and family. I wish that we would value both together - rather than working so hard to keep them from encroaching on one another. I wish that we have more balance in our lives.

As a full-time working mother I hope I can find this balance...and I hope it will enrich my family...and I hope it will inspire others. We are not meant to be cogs in a system...we are meant to flourish, and to do so we need both work and family...and we need them to compliment one another rather than compete.

Surfacing

2011-02-22T06:32:00.001-05:00

As a little girl I used to love on hot summer days to go in the pool, go underwater and look up at the world. There was something magical about being suspended beneath the real world - watching it and yet being temporarily separated. I loved how the sun would sparkle off the water and everything looked a little distorted through the water. Floating there in the silence, observing the world I was about to re-enter...it was peaceful. Even the sounds were muffled under the water. It was temporary, which is probably what made it so special.

As I begin to prepare to head back to work next week I feel much like I did on those summer days. Submerged in my own little world, just below the surface of the real world. The sounds are muffled, the scenery blurred through the water - near the real world, but not part of it.

I must admit, I am sad to see this time come to an end. Being at home with Imogen and Steve has been a sweet time. We have been in our own little world, adjusting to our new family. Granted, there have been many rough nights with no sleep, but the naps with Imogen on my chest during the day more than make up for it. We haven't seen too many people, we've not gone out to many places - we've simply hibernated through this snowy winter. It has been peaceful and restful and good for the soul.

Beneath the surface it is calm and quiet. But you can't stay there forever - we are buoyant, we're meant to float. The world beneath the surface is a rest from the real world - but we were meant for the real world. It is calm and beautiful here, but it can't last forever.

The thing with surfacing is the sounds are clearer, the sights come into focus, and you can breathe again. It is overwhelming at first - because the water muffles everything. But you adjust pretty quickly. I do feel overwhelmed with going back to work after this time...and I will blog more on that later. I also feel a little overwhelmed with re-entering the world after hiding away in the safety of our home. The conversations, the responsibility, the need for balance...these are all part of the real world.

Being under the water is peaceful and restful - but it is also lonely after a while. Have you ever played the game where you go under water and try to listen to what another person says? It's funny because you can't really hear clearly...you try, and if you're lucky you may get a word or two, but you can't have a meaningful conversation under water. It's meant to be a pause - but it is only special because it can't last.

I know that after awhile we would start to get cabin fever. I need meaningful interactions - I am an extreme extrovert. So staying isolated in my home with my little family will only satisfy for so long. I don't necessarily feel ready to surface - but I also don't feel like I can't handle the world above water. I know it will be a bit shocking at first, but I will adjust soon enough.

This time away from everything has been a gift - a sweet pause from life. And re-surfacing will be hard at first. But life above water is fun, and exciting, and full. It will be good for others to get to know us as this new family. It will be great to bring the experience of being a mother into my work of being a pastor. There are new gifts waiting for us above the surface.

So, while I wish I could freeze this moment in time and stay suspended forever, I know that the real world is where I can see, and hear, and breathe. I know that life is good above the surface, and that there is a whole host of people who have been waiting for us to come back up. I know I will be grateful for what this next season holds. But I am also glad I have a few more days where I can simply rest in our own little world away from the world.

For Everything a Season

2011-02-15T21:02:00.001-05:00

Those who sow with tears

will reap with songs of joy.

Those who go out weeping,

carrying seed to sow,

will return with songs of joy,

carrying sheaves with them.

-Psalm 126:5-6

This last week held some great times of celebration. On Wednesday one of the groups I lead gathered together in my home. We hadn't been together since before Imogen's birth, so I was looking forward to reconnecting. But these women are tricky, and they planned a surprise shower for me in my own home! It was wonderful to be together, have them all meet Imogen, and to celebrate this new season.

Then on Sunday there was a larger party - one that had originally been planned for January before Imogen was due. Instead it was in February, and Imogen was in attendance. Once again Steve and I were showered with gifts and love - it was so fun to have so many people meet Immy for the first time.

I had planned on this post being all about how we have finally entered a season of celebration. And this is true in many ways. Steve and I put together a photo book "From Birth to Due Date" which tells the story of Imogen's first seven weeks. One person who looked at it said how now that we have reached the due date, we get to start putting together a new chapter of the story...one that focuses on joy and celebration. Again, this is true.

We are in a time where we can celebrate...we have cleared so many hurdles and Imogen is a healthy, beautiful baby. But as is true with most things, sorrow and joy live side-by-side. The same night after the shower Steve and I were catching up on our Grey's Anatomy. This past episode featured a story about a young baby that needed a heart transplant. In one scene they were operating on the baby and they panned to a silhouetted profile of a baby on the operating table. I become overwhelmed and then simply broke down and cried for about five minutes...

I realized how very close we came to Imogen being that baby on an operating table. The fear and uncertainty that began this story all came back to me. The baby was wearing the same hat Imogen wore while in the NICU. It hit so close to home - all the fear that I carried during those first three weeks poured out.

There are a very few memorable moments when I have shed much needed tears. These are not just tears of sadness (because I cry a lot) - they are truly watershed moments. The levies break, and all that has been bottled up flows over. This was one of these moments. The tears I shed needed to come out - and I needed enough distance from the situation to finally let my guard down.

This is a new chapter - a good chapter where we celebrate Imogen. It is also a chapter where we are safe enough to see how very scary all of this has been. It has been five weeks since we brought Immy home...and the NICU feels miles away. And I wish we could just skip over the sad parts and jump right to the party. But the truth is they come as a package deal.

This is a season of transition - too many times in life we simply want to bottle up all that was hard and scary and sad and just move on to better times. But the truth of the matter is, celebration is so much sweeter when we actually dig into the hard places of life and deal with all that comes with it. Steve and I don't just start over now that we have cleared the due date...our story continues, and it had a scary beginning.

But a comfort in these seasons of transition is that eventually the moments of celebration and joy begin to outweigh the memories of fear and sadness. The story doesn't go away - but you get some distance from it - and it doesn't overwhelm in the same way. It grows, and new memories are added - memories that round out the experience.

I am so glad to finally feel like we can celebrate. I am so happy that we are safe and becoming more and more normal. And I know that these moments of fear and sadness will bubble up - they are part of me. I will never be able to look at a story of a child in the hospital the same way again...I have been changed. But the season of celebration has begun...the season of mourning is slowly coming to a close. I can't wait to see all that is in-store for us, I know this story is just going to get better and better.